Aubrey Makes a List

I love lists.

I love putting things on them, seeing where I stand, and even adding items that I know I’m going to do just to experience the sheer, Type-A pleasure of checking them off as ‘done’.

The advent of the Palm Pilot and ‘To-Do Lists’ has taken away from this joy…clicking a box somehow just isn’t the same as putting pen on paper and CHECK! It’s done. Thus my life — and desk — is composed of a bevy of these lists…from the daily to-do’s to the ongoing “Things I Will Do in my 25th Year” checklist, it’s a way to keep me on track. Keep me straight. Keep me from going insane when my day is pathetically and mind-numbingly tasked with stapling and filing.

Thus, for this essay, Aubrey makes a list:

Possible reasons why my pants are magically too big
1. God has finally decided to turn me into a southerner, big boobs, skinny legs and all.
2. Genetic mistake has finally been corrected as it is statistically impossible to have a Dad who is 6’1″ and 145 lbs and have legs anything else than toothpicks.
3. By a cruel twist of fate, not working out has made my muscles atrophy so much that size 4’s are again within reach (if this is the case, consider my gym membership cancelled effective immediately.)

Songs I would play at my wedding
1. In Your Eyes (Peter Gabriel) I’m still a sucker for Lloyd Dobler.
2. Into the Mystic (Van Morrison) I like to think I have a gypsy soul when, in fact, I’m just odd.
3. Anything and everything by Neil Diamond and Babs Streisand. Gotta get back to my roots, yo.

Things that make me declare that an inebriation proclamation was in order
1. Slow dancing to Love Bites on the roof of Hooters in Cleveland with the bartender, just 6 hours before the imminent trip to the police station (i.e., arrest) 2. Fat Tuesday (Bran, you know what I’m talkin’ ’bout)
3. Coronet Club, featuring Moi!

Regrets that possibly had no consequence on the future of me and my life but are still regrets for one reason or another
1. Not dating Ethan Foster in 3rd grade
2. Not getting my picture taken for my Senior Yearbook in college and listening when B. Kigs said that all appointments were filled. (You’re goin’ down, sucka, when you get yo’ ass back on this playing field!)
3. Not playing soccer at any stage in my life, despite my Mom claiming that I didn’t want to. (Heresy, I tell you!)

Inventions that would one-day make me a million
1. A phone with a Breathalyzer on it, causing it to turn off permanently if past the BAL (booty-call alcohol limit)
2. A pill that would prevent NDR (Nervous Drinking Response: The phenomenon that happens when suddenly running into an ex, a crush, a nemesis and/or any and all persons that make you get quickly, irrefutably, tragically drunk. Think college, He’s Not Here, the return of a mac that we all know and most, except for me, think is a dork and/or call by the name of Lardass.)
3. A faucet converter that would quickly, easily and cheaply turn plain tap water into Diet Coke and Corona Light. (Just not combined.)

Strange dreams that make me think I do need therapy after all
1. My mom giving birth to an alien child, complete with the mind of a grown man, the body of a 7 year old, but strangely only 4 years old. He confirmed it…he was an alien baby.
2. A wild baboon chasing me around my house in Ohio, getting locked in the basement, and trying to eat my cats who somehow turned into a piece of pizza. (Thankfully untrue in real life)
3. Being back in Pi Phi rush and finding out that the love of my life was getting married. (I think I may need to get over him one of these days…)

Top three things I’m thinking right this second
1. If he is on the phone, whispering about me and something I supposably did, I’ll show that caddy what happens when they mess with nice girls from Ohio.
2. I wish I had gelato to get rid of the taste of cheap & greasy chinese that is a perma-flavor in my mouth. (Serves me right for a $5 lunch.)
3. When, oh when, will I be a full-time writer who can do things like get up past 6am and work from my bed?

Reasons that living alone is far preferable to living with others (future live-in boyfriends notwithstanding)
1. You can cook naked.
2. You can walk around the house naked
3. You can talk on the phone, in the middle of the day, in the kitchen, booty-ass-buck nekked. (THE FREEDOM!)

Top Three States where I have dated, am dating, wish I was dating boys/guys/men:
1. North Cakkalakky
2. Ohio
3. California (Yes, that’s you, Heath Ledger. Come and get me…)

Number One state devoid of any and all male-type human of the straight, nice, and good-looking nature who I would like to date and who would like to date me back and who would not, by any means, ask my friends if they would date him if they were single:
1. Georgia Places to NOT pick up your significant other 1. Hole in the Wall (Atlanta, GA)
2. Any and all Amaco station (coastal towns in the US of A)
3. Jail

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