Carly and James

It’s a little known fact that Carly Simon wrote the song “You’re So Vain” about her ex-husband, James Taylor. As she so bluntly details in the lyrics, he “gave away all the things [he] loved, and one of them was [Carly]”, so, out of spite, out of pain, or out of just plain anger, she immortalized her feelings in a catchy little ditty. Ballsy, my dear, quite ballsy.

Actually, though, this isn’t that uncommon in the celebrity scene…watch any Barbara Walters “post-celeb breakup” interview and you’ll see what I mean. Justin dished on Britney, Gwynnie on Ben, and the list continues. It’s become socially acceptable — almost mainstream — to air one’s dirty laundry in public. To get down and dirty, dish the dirt and, well, say all the things that you never did but always wanted to.

It seems unfair, somehow, that they get the privilege of the last word while us common folk only replay our “shoulda, woulda”s in our heads. They get the virtual time machines and the subsequent do-over of what they had really meant to say. Well, I think it’s time to shake things up a bit, so I’m assuming my celeb role for the day and exercising this privilege myself. Thus, I give you the “Things I Meant to Say but Didn’t” list below, and was so kind to exclude the names to protect privacy and, well, a few egos…

Things I Meant to Say but Didn’t: A list of comebacks, retorts, and my true feelings, some months and years later

Actually, it was rather average.
No, this isn’t the first time I’ve done that.
You just about broke my heart.
I can’t think of something that could make you LESS sexy.
You’ll never know how close I was to falling in love with you.
No, it’s not alright for you to not come visit me.
Marry me instead.
That is NOT a normal fetish.
I deserve a whole lot better than this, and a whole lot better than you.
No, that does NOT turn me on.
You haven’t even begun to realize what you’ve lost.
I was faking.
I love you.

Wow. I’m feeling very J.Lo-esque already. As such, I think I’ll take a bubble bath, put on my fuzzy slippers, and wait for Babs to call. After all, I can dish dirt with the best of them…


PS: Check out my Holiday Interactive Gift Guide, perfect presents for, well, ME!

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