Automated Reply: Out of Office Message

I’m sorry I won’t be able to respond to your calls/emails/inquiries/visits/requests/proposals/propositions as I will be on vacation from my life for the next short while. I will not be able to do the responsible thing, not be able to make the right choices, and not be able to play any and all games that are apparently requisite at this stage in life. I will be unavailable to write your articles, to sell your products, and to assess your software. I will not be able to tell you if your butt looks big, to reassure you for the nine thousandth time that you do NOT look as old or as fat as so-and-so, and not be able to again illustrate the lunacy of liking someone more than you. I will be unavailable from being the designated driver, from catering to any one’s agenda, and to going places that I don’t really want to go. While gone, I will be making rash decisions, doing and saying the wrong thing, and certainly eating things that have never been found in any diet book (with the exception, perhaps, of the Atkins diet and a whole lot of chicken wings.) Until further notice, all typical-girly-overanalysis of what was said and done will cease, all irresponsible acts will be rewarded, and all bets are off. I will be rendered unavailable until you hear otherwise. I will return to my responsibilities when I damned well please.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

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