I’m a fan of lists. I always have been.

I often write these entries in list format, as it soothes my Type-A brain and allows me to feign a semblance of organization even in the drudges of complete and utter disorganization which is, more often than not, the case.

I love seeing different projects, such as this or this, as they provide a structural context around our usually jumbled lives and provide us with the guidance we often need.

When my aunt passed away, a “To-Do” list was left on her counter, a stark reminder of the reality that is death. The unfinished items would forever remain on that list, either completed by others or remaining incomplete, depending on the urgency and need postmortem.

Of all of the lists I make, my most frequent is the “To-Do” List. There I detail my often-overdue assignments, my shopping lists, and the small, annoying phone calls that seem to have become a daily requirement (i.e., United Water for charging me ten times my normal water bill. I’m none too pleased about that.) Though different in content and nature, each list has one thing in common: the title. Yes, every one of my “To-Do” lists MUST, without exception, contain the title “To-Do” displayed prominently on the top.

This is nothing if not unnecessary, since both the format and the content clearly discern this list from another in type. The title is gratuitous, to quote one of my favorite people, and yet I still find myself compelled to this extemporaneous labeling schema. Which both amuses and irks me to no end.

Am I afraid that my “To-Do” list will be mistaken for a “To-Don’t” list? Silly Aubrey.

Which brings up a great point – a “To-Don’t” list. Just as we often find our partners not by identifying what we are looking for but learning what we are not, so is a “To-Don’t” list especially helpfuly by providing us some guidelines of things we don’t want to, or shouldn’t, do.

A truly fantastic idea.

As such, I give you The Official Aubrey To-Don’t List (version 1)

• Eat Peppers, Pickles, Onions, Mustard or Pineapple
• Date boys that need the definition for the word ‘catty’
• Inhale deeply while riding MARTA or being in any of their elevators
• Be too generous with second chances
• Ascend or Descend ladders while inebriated
• Put Diesel in a SAAB
• Settle
• Insist on being right all of the time
• Think small
• Look too far ahead, such that you will miss the moment that you’re currently in
• Pretend that you can afford to buy an entire round of shots when you are currently paying your electric bill with a credit card
• Be close-minded
• Be too worried about what other people think
• Talk all of the time. Instead, listen
• Cut bangs. Ever. Not a good look
• Turn down a free meal
• Use Unlubricated condoms
• Eat Mexican before a date
• Regret the past. Learn from it instead.
• Buy Salon-quality shampoo & conditioner. Dove works just as well, if not better.
• Forget to wear underwear when wearing a dress if you feel that fan kicks are in your immediate future
• Try too hard
• Ever say Never

And on that note, I’m off to lunch. No Peppers, Pickles, Onions, Mustard or Pineapple in sight.