I love writing letters. Recently, it has come to my attention that I may just have an aptitude for this even more than I had previously thought. As such, and as a still-destitute Aubrey McBrokeBroke Destitutio, I am creating a business model, a profitable one sure to provide many upstanding citizens with a much-needed service.

In order to generate some advertising for my offerings, here is a sample of my portfolio:

Dear Gentlemen of the World,
Remember when we pretended that we didn’t like the nice guy? That we found ourselves attracted to the asshole, the rogue, and the bad boy? Yeah. We’re done with that.

As such, we would like to formally commend you for the following actions that make you so, well, Gentlemanly:

1. On a first date, you do not try to come in and stay the night. Kisses are fantastic. Romance will get you everywhere, pushiness and living out your libido will not.
2. On following dates, if making out is ensuing, thank you for not pushing the envelope too far. This includes understanding when we say we don’t want you to come in, understanding when all we really want to do is going to bed, immediately and alone, and not holding it (or anything that may be protruding from your pants) against us.
3. Calling when you say you will. Yes, we are fully aware of the 3-day rule. We’ll deal with it. But false claims only irk us and make us bitter and even more unlikely to want to date you again. Think of Chandler on Friends when he went out with Rachel’s boss and kept saying he would call her, without ever having the intention of calling her. Yeah. Don’t do that. We get pissed.
4. Going out of your way. Girls like surprises. ‘Nuff Said.

Again, your chivalry is darling. We like darling. We think you’re cute.
Hugs, Kisses, and the possibility of much more,
{Insert Name Here}

This letter is extremely effective, and will avoid you from having to send the following letter (below):

Dear Scary Pervert,
Hi there! Thank you for paying for the date the other night – it was the least you could do before you tried to grope, prod and poke your grimy little hands to places that did not welcome said gropage, prodage, and pokeage. I feel it would be providing you with a great service to teach you the difference between ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. As such, I have included some definitions & illustrative examples.

Yes: Generally, this means “Proceed”, “Go Ahead”, “Affirmative” and, depending upon how good you’re doing what you’re doing, it means “Hell Yeah, Gimme some more o’ dat, you big stud!” A prime example of someone saying ‘yes’ is in response to a question, such as “Would you like me to come in?” “Yes”. This means you can proceed with the action, and come in.

No: If you’ve ever had 6th grade health, you’ll remember the little ditty about NO MEANING NO. As such, this is synonymous with “Negative, Ghost Rider”, “The opposite of Yes”, and even at times, “Get Yo’ Skank Ass Hands Off me before I kick you in the genitals. HARD.” A prime example of this phrase in use is similar to the one above, just with a different outcome. “Would you like me to come in?” “No”. This means you get your grimy oversexed self out of my sight and go “tend to your pleasure points” en solo in your dirty old pickup truck or other unsightly grime-mobile.

While high levels of attraction and arousal are quite normal when in close contact with me, protocol requires that you follow my lead. A strict violation to the lead-followage revokes any and all privileges you may have assumed you have to call, speak, or even email me ever again.

Please excuse me while begin constructing a voodoo temple to your homage (and you wonder why your hair has started to fall out!) and begin a very informative letter to your mother on how she screwed up in raising you in many ways.

(Not) Your Friend,
{Insert Name Here}

Don’t forget the “Dear John” letters, 21st Century Style:

Dear {Insert Trendy Posh-esque Metrosexual sounding name like Trevor, Brody, Caleb, or Connor here},
Hi! It was great meeting you last month at Starbucks – I, too, think it was funny that we both were ordering a Skinny Grande Chai Tea Latte in July. I had a nice time chatting with you at our first date and listening to you describe how much you enjoy going shopping with your Mom and that you believe that eating only one meal a day (and a few pieces of lettuce, at that) would keep you svelte. It was very interesting to see the inside of your apartment, complete with jumbo sized bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care hand lotion conveniently located next to your large stack of Hot Rod magazines with women in bikinis gracing the cover. More interesting yet was the scale across from your refrigerator (with the only contents being a Brita pitcher and one egg) as well as the daily run-down of your weight taken up to five times a day, entitled “FAT FAT FAT”, ironically adhered to the refrigerator with a Pizza Hut magnet.) I suppose I should give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you when you asserted that you are neither gay nor anorexic.

While it was certainly a mind-opening experience to go on a date with you, and though I am assuming that you meant it as a compliment, suggesting that I would make a wonderful plus-sized model leads me to want to shove your nether regions far inside your chest cavity with a well-aimed kick from my pointy-toed Manolo knock-offs.

Better luck next time,
{Insert Your Not-Plus-Sized-Model-Esque Name Here}

I can just see it now: “Letter-quette- A Personal Letter for All Occasions”. This service could revolutionize the way we make up, break up, date and bitch out our pseudo-friends. A goldmine, no doubt.

Any takers?

4 thoughts on “Letter-quette

  1. At one point, when I was 25, I went on a first date with a man whose amorous enthusiasm ended with me kneeing him in the balls and exclaiming, “I’m just too damn old to be date-raped.”
    I mean REALLY, date rape is like, so 1991.

  2. I had really bad date experiences aswell and I wish I had your Dear John one aswell as your Dear Scary Pervert. I really think you should sell these, I think the women of the world need them!
    And date rape is so 1991.

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