“Waiting for my Real Life to Begin”

It’s 6:06pm, and it’s pitch black outside.

And we wonder why I think November is the most depressing month around…

So me.
Now.
Here.
Quandary.

As many of you could likely tell, I’m feeling a bit unsettled as of late. More than a bit out of sorts, I feel I’ve really strayed from all that I’ve been intending to do, be it work out in the mornings, drink less, eat healthier, be more supportive of my friends, budget my checkbook, fall in love, query magazines about articles, kiss a famous person (anyone on my top 5 will suffice), maintain a clean house, get home before 8pm, or anything else on my constantly-lengthening “Aubrey Self-Improvement List.” Instead of all of the above, I’ve hit the snooze bar more times than I’d like to admit, embarrassed myself by being far-too drunk in public, put myself on random diets and found myself consuming more ground beef than any one person should, was all-the-more self-centered, bounced my checkbook every single pay period, fallen into like, but not lust nor love (though tried for a while to interchange the three), ignored my freelancing, stalked Matthew McConaughey (this is at least a valient effort), came to terms with hairballs and cat hair on every single surface of my house, gotten home past 9pm on occasion, and basically have worn myself ragged. I’ve forgotten birthdays, I’m late on wedding gifts, I don’t email people back and a whole list of other atrocities that go against the very nature of who I am. Seriously, my friends, it’s time to have an intervention.

I know I burn the candle at both ends…even in High School I would be studying with the television on while doing my homework and talking on the phone at the same time. I am the Queen of multi-tasking, yet it seems when my multi-tasks involve upwards of 25+ things you really DO need to be doing at once, I get befuddled. Write that email? Finish the campaign? Call the Client? Call my Mom? Plan New Years? Book my flights to Chicago? Maintain a Social Life? Instead of getting one thing done at a time, I feel I’m half-assing my life away, and the saddest thing isn’t that I’m doing it, it’s that I’m getting comfortable in doing it.

I don’t like this. I don’t like the feeling of incompletion, guilt, and basically disillusionment as I continue my journey down the road of Quarter-Life Crises. Sure, I’m aware of it, knowing fully well that I, as many of my colleagues, am overthinking and overanalyzing every little item in our life, balancing our actions with our belief of fate and destiny, thinking we can outsmart Our Big Life Planner in the Sky (whichever deity we attribute it to.) Second-guessing ourselves has become second-nature; just think of that Friday night that you stayed in because you needed some downtime, but secretly wondered if you weren’t just missing your chance to meet someone special, amazing and completely marry-worthy. (You know you do it.) I don’t think I’m experimenting with hyperbole when I say that many, many of you are likely feeling this way as well, and complacency is becoming status quo.

Thus my quandary. Forever on the quest for that Salingerian golden ring, am I “What If-ing” my future away? Am I foresaking the good by seeking the great? Should I be settling for what I’ve got? Maybe there IS no Mr. Right, there’s only a Mr. Close Enough. Perhaps a perfect job doesn’t exist, and I should heed my father’s advice that “jobs aren’t fun, that’s why it’s called work.” The best city to live in? Hell, could be one of many different places. Am I getting too old to wish, to wonder, to daydream, and to go for it? Is it time to accept complacency?

If this is my future, consider me heartbroken.

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine
There’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say,”Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in”
Don’t you understand?
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin
Don’t you understand?
It’s my very own plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

-Waiting for My Real Life to Begin, Colin Hay

4 thoughts on ““Waiting for my Real Life to Begin”

  1. Aubrey I don’t think that this is it. The end of changes to your life. I doubt that you have reached it. I think you should look for that perfect job cause work can be fun and should be fun. I think you should look for Mr. Right, but you should realize that in reality he really is Mr.Close Enough. Don’t settle, but don’t pass up on any offers either. Good Luck Aubrey, I know exactly what you are going through and it sucks.

  2. Aubrey,
    I’ve been reading and enjoying your blog for a long time now, quietly lurking in the shadows and never commenting. But I have to comment today because I feel like you just wrote today’s entry right out of my own head. And though I unfortunately have no advice or answers for you, maybe it helps the teeniest bit to know you are not the only one struggling with the feeling that maybe this really is all there is to life. That what they have been selling us on TV every single day of our lives doesn’t actually exist. Bummer. All I can say is hang in there…

  3. Reminds me of my all-hell-broke-loose act of my sister when I failed to attend her wedding simply because I forgot. And I was a bridesmaid. Yeah, that’s how bad it is. So I decided to sponsor her groomsmen gifts instead and settled for the easily customized Swiss Army Knife.

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