We talk about it, analyze it, over-analyze it, call our friends and THEY analyze it, and then we realize that after far too much thought and far too much analysis, we still don’t have a clue.
You guessed it; again, I’m talking about (what else?) relationships.
But seriously, people, it really shouldn’t be this hard. Advice flows like fountains, with each person offering either the trite (“You’ll find it when you’re not looking”) or a personal anectdote on how they found the love of their life (“I was just shopping and I turned around and he and I were both reading the new issue of People – you know, the one about Ben & Jen’s breakup? – and our eyes locked and, well, we’ve been together ever since.”) I hope you don’t mind while I try to stop from barfing here, but I think it’s all a bunch of hooey. There IS no right way, the trite advice is overused and inaccurate, and maybe – just maybe – we really DO know what’s right.
They say we over-react, that we’re putting too much thought into it, that we’re trying to hard. I say that they’re just as full of shit as they always have been, since – newsflash – these are OUR lives, this is what we’re seeing, this is what is real to US, thank you very much.
Am I pissed off at a boyfriend? A date? A roommate? Actually, no. It’s a beautiful day here in Atlanta, the perfect opportunity to have lunch and happy hour outside, and I’ve actually been ridiculously productive these past few days, allowing me to leave before 6pm without feeling TOO guilty. So why the hostility, you ask? I’m just sick of it, seeing the same actions and the same hurt and hearing the same questions over and over again. I’m sick of the way that despite Women’s Lib and burning bras and holding equal jobs and taking some control over our own relationships, when things go badly, we inherently ask “What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty/smart/skinny/charming enough? Why wasn’t I good enough?”
I hate this. I hate that we doubt ourselves, blame ourselves, chastise ourselves for things that we didn’t even do.
Because for once, I promise you, it’s not us, it’s THEM. And however trite that sounds, just trust me on this one.
AubreySabala.com 
Sadly, it’s us indeed.
I started seeing a girl who, for the first time in my life, made me feel like my weight or lack-there-of was not an issue. She really did like me for who I was and everything that I was. And sadly, we didn’t stop seeing each other because we weren’t crazy about each other, we stopped seeing each other because she was at a point in her life where she wasn’t ready to be serious with anybody. She wanted to enjoy her last semester of college and not be tied down. So I should walk away from the situation feeling great that this girl did and still does think I’m amazing, and have the confidence to know that other people will think the same thing. But I’m not. I’m still asking myself, “What did I do wrong? Was I not handsome/smart/big/charming enough? Why wasn’t I good enough?” I guess we can take comfort knowing that everybody has those doubts. Everybody: “us” _and_ “them”.
I know what you mean; my last breakup, it took me weeks to figure out that it was HIM, not me. His behaviour was totally caddish, but I still, for whatever reason, figured I wasn’t good enough, that he wouldn’t have treated me that way if I’d been more lovable. It really was him.
If you think guys don’t sometimes feel the exact same way, well, you’re wrong. Nobody ever learns anything from pointing a finger.
Oops I said words to the effect of “You’ll find it when you’re not looking” in a comment last week. I meant really to relay how I had found the partner of my absolute dreams, not to say that this is how it will happen for you. I should also saythat before I met her I had tried to force relationships into the mould I had determined they should fit in, convinced myself that certain people were the one for me, when I was just kidding myself. It is is good now to be in a wonderful marriage, but I would say be really honest with yourself when you meet someone. Is this the one?
hollismb, I get what you’re saying, but when someone treats you badly, you aren’t learning anything by running yourself down.
hollismb, I get what you’re saying, but when someone treats you badly, you aren’t learning anything by running yourself down.
hollismb, I get what you’re saying, but when someone treats you badly, you aren’t learning anything by running yourself down.
100% agreed. I think you got it though.
I don’t think it’s girls against boys here or vice versa, I think it’s yourself as an individual, regardless of gender, handling your emotions without having the knowledge of the other’s thoughts or emotions.
Relationships (while work indeed) should really be more like your actual job. When something goes all funked up at work, there’s always some type of ‘lessons learned’ meeting, where all the involved parties get involved to see how the same problem can avoid happening again. Of course, there would need to be a mediating third-party.
And also let me add that as a person who has 134 Ryan Adams songs on his iPod, I can assure you that he does not contribute anything positive to your love-life-self-esteem. Avoid “Come Pick Me Up” and the entire Heartbreaker album at all cost. I can’t wait to listen to all his music again when I’m happily married and can enjoy and relate to it only in past tense. I do recommend that you check out a guy named Teitur. http://www.teitur.com/
It’s neither us or them. Its just is. Lack of understanding of why, will not change the situation, it only gives a reason to blame someone and call them wrong. Noone is ever wrong if they being themselve. Compatablity or timing just was’nt there for whatever reason. Keep it simple and move on and don’t beat up yourself. “Understanding blindness give sight, buy a dog and press on”.