There’s days when I think I’ve got it. That I can write, that it makes sense, that people read it and are moved and feel like I’m writing just to them. Those days I have an extra spring in my step and mentally envision my life, years from now, when I’m sitting on the porch of my house, the kids playing in the sand while I find my inner muse and write something meaningful yet poetic, funny yet profound. This life I want, the freedom of freelancing, the freedom of being able to write about whatever I want, this life is what keeps me going on many a day when the last thing I want to do is write a 95-character ad on why you really should Apply Online and Receive 4 Loans Instantly!

And then there’s days like today, days like yesterday, when I have so much I want to say, but the transition from brain to keyboard just isn’t happening. When I’m still in the post-fabulous weekend aftermath and I want you all to know all of these things that I find to be important, yet don’t think you’ll get it. Like my life is some inside joke where I understand it and maybe a few others understand it, but it’s not for common knowledge. And then I’m left with the drabble of saying it outright, that I had a great weekend, that I don’t feel like being at work, that I find myself in a bizarre mood that is making me over-sensitive to stupid things and a bit lethargic and a lot cynical. And that’s not good writing – that’s not even mediocre writing. That’s a train-of-thought stupid weblog piece that I never wanted to write and yet I do write because, really, it’s Monday and you KNOW that the weekend already happened, thus making what I wrote on Friday outdated and that, my friends, is a travesty. The pressure of keeping it fresh is keeping it boring, it really is.

It shouldn’t be like this – I never intended it to be like this. And yet, I can’t deny that I do think about my audience when I write, do know that a small subset of you readers, for some flattering-yet-still-not-really-believed reason, want to know what’s going on, want to keep up with my life via the web. It’s humbling, it really is. To think that there are people out there that read my site, that check it regularly and are nice enough to comment and send me emails when I’m bitching about this or that, well – that’s endearing. But it’s not what I intended.

I have people that support me, that push & prod me into following up with editors when – after months of saying that I’d do it when I had a free minute – I’ve basically been lax and let possible opportunities slip away. Yes, I’m busy; actually, it’s more like insanely busy. And yet to be able to have a column, to know that I’m getting one step closer to what I hope to see as my future – well, there’s no excuse for putting it off.

Because the thought that this future of mine that I’m so counting on might not one day come true, that’s simply unimaginable.