Face the Facts

She’s infinitely successful, and I’m a semi-struggling writer.
She’s older, whereas I’m young…ish.
She’s one of the richest women in the world, and I’m playing russian roulette with my bank account. So really, what do Oprah and I have in common?


After writing my article last week about Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo’s new book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, I’ve gotten many an email and even a few calls about the theories within. My Mom went so far to say that I should have written the book myself (and after realizing that it has sold out in every store in Atlanta, how I wish that was true.) The next day, Oprah had the authors on the show, and I got to witness firsthand (via Tivo, of course) the harsh reality that us women apparently need…in droves. As I listened to the women relate their tales of love gone awry (or at least lust gone unrequited), it was obvious what Greg Behrendt would say in response. To each and every one, to each and every sordid tale, he replied with the same answer:

“He’s just not that into you.”

A bit much, right? To honestly believe that any of these situations that were quite different in scope and premise could elicit the same answer, well, it’s statistically unlikely at best.

Or is it?

Yes, the stories were different. Some were about a brief encounter; others, 4+ years of dating seriously. And through them all was woven a common, cliched thread: the women were making excuses for not being treated the way that they wanted to be.

Oh, I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived this, and if you’re a woman in her mid-20’s like myself, my guess is that you have as well. Like I said in my last post, us women are so supportive of each other that even faced with the all-too-obvious facts that despite her optimism and desires, the relationship really isn’t going anywhere, we make excuses. We say he’s “emotionally retarded.” We cite distance. We lament the truth but explain it away, an attempt to make ourselves feel better when, in actuality, we’re sad, because we wanted this one to work out. This generation of fairy tale endings and happily ever afters still wishes for the prince but settles on the frog. Why, with education and intelligence and beauty and general fabulousness that so many of us exude, do we make excuses for what, in essence, is just poor and unsatisfactory behavior?

Because we’re scared. We’re protective of ourselves, of our friends. We have our hopes and our dreams, and yet continue to find ourselves settling for so much less when in actuality we should be demanding more. We’d save so much time and energy if we eliminated the second-guessing and self-doubt that plague so many of us and trust that if he really liked us, we would know it because he would show it. I firmly believe that we often don’t “see” the truth because we just don’t want to, and dismiss our doubts instead of facing the facts. If only we could realize that not being well suited for each other doesn’t make us unsuitable, we’d change these behaviors. We’d realize that though he seems our ‘type’ or might be our ‘one’ (if you believe in such a concept,) he, too, has a type and, face it – you may not be it. It’s not his fault, he’s not trying to hurt you, he’s just not that into you. So move on.

Easier said than done, I know. I’m still anxious to read this book (when it gets re-stocked, that is) but in the meantime. I think Greg & Liz have nailed a key dating gripe on the proverbial head. Because really, it’s not you, it’s him – and he’s just not that into you.

4 thoughts on “Face the Facts

  1. I think fatigue is part of it too. The old “I’ve been dating since I was 15, where IS he?” thing. The “I’m so sick of guys not working out and this is the 50th and he was so danged close to perfect except for a few things, and I just want to STOP LOOKING and I’m tired of having to throw away guy after guy because ‘he’s just not that into me’ and I don’t WANT that to be anymore and I don’t want to be single any goddamned more and I don’t want him to stop liking me, so I’m going to keep holding out hope that he won’t stop.”
    I’ve decided to not look for men any more for a reason.

  2. “If only we could realize that not being well suited for each other doesn’t make us unsuitable, we’d change these behaviors.”
    That is the crux of the matter. It has to start with you.
    Great post. Really, great.

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