“It’s easier to leave than to be left behind.”

It keeps replaying in my head, over and over, the astute quote from the new REM song, “Leaving New York.” The words reverberate in my head, and it’s not just the catchy nature of the tune; it’s the harsh acceptance of their reality.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m torn between being the person I want to be and being the person I am. I’m torn between the advice I give others and the very same advice I ignore when it comes to myself and my actions. I’m living in a world where I’m unsure of myself, wishing I was able to will my life into what I want it to be, wishing I was able to finally be honest with myself and with those I love, telling them how much more I deserve and how their actions really affect me. Instead, I remain quiet and wonder what it will take, be it an abundance of alcohol or an epiphany of frustration, to finally tell the truth. Instead, I want to run away. I want to leave.

It’s quiet now, and what it brings is everything…
Comes calling back a brilliant night, I’m still awake
I looked ahead I’m sure I saw you there
You don’t need me to tell you now, that nothing can compare
You might have laughed if I told you
You might have hidden the frown
You might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around
It’s easier to leave than to be left behind
Leaving was never my proud