Reticence

I promised myself I’d say what I wanted to, speak my mind. An unstated resolution for the coming year(s), I was tired of finding myself unsure as to where I stood or even what happened. “Closure”, that 21st century catchphrase, was what I felt I deserved.

And yet, with my determination set and my mind resolute, I wondered just WHY I had to set my determination, just WHY I had to resolve my mind. Why this didn’t come natural to me was a question – and why am I not alone in this matter? Why are girls so afraid to ask for what they want, to ask the very questions to the people that could provide them with the answers instead of continually lamenting to our friends that we still don’t understad? Why are we so afraid to rock the boat?

It took me months, and in some cases, years, to gather up the courage to intentionally turn the conversation into the realm of the uncomfortable. In my mind, it was so easy to know that I deserved an explanation, deserved better than I got, but saying those words was hard, a lot harder than even I had counted on. And, ironically, it really didn’t matter – asking the question wasn’t going to change anything, the situation was permanent. Still, I nearly hesitated, but didn’t, gathering up an internal courage that I shouldn’t have needed to finally stand up for myself. And I asked it.

It’s funny – people who know me wouldn’t ever think I’m one to hold back, one to contemplate asking for what I want. I mean, I’m quick with the wish list, been known to drop hints (sometimes more subtly than others) about flowers or lingerie (sorry, the Nordstrom catalog just arrived)that I’d love for the big upcoming V-day, and, well, in other such *personal* matters I’m not exactly the silent type. But when it comes to asking what went wrong, what happened, why you broke my heart, well…sometimes the anticipated answer makes me clam up.

Apparently, when love is involved, mum’s the word.