Cutting the Ties

I’m going through my old calendar to get people’s birthdays so I can put them in my brand-spankin’ new datebook. I’ve always been really good at remembering birthdays, but even so, the thought of me forgetting to send a card or ecard or even an email worries me to the point that year after year, I put them in the calendar without fail. And amongst the close friend and family anniversary and birthday reminders exist remnants of friendships and relationships past, which inevitably causes me sadness and longing and a little reminiscing. Though I know I’ve moved on both emotionally and physically, the stark reality of their name on that day in my handwriting reminds me that yes, they once were someone I cared about. And now, through circumstance or happenstance or distance or betrayal or even the subtle passing of days that invariably weakens our relationships without our intention, they’re not.

When is it time to let go?

As I’m transferring over these events, I wonder: even though my ex is now married, is it poor form to still send him a card? Even though we’ve broken up, I *STILL* know when your birthday is, I still wake up that morning and wonder what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with. Does that mean I want to get back with you? Nope. What it does mean is that on that given day in April or May or August or October, I think of you, sincerely hope you’re happy doing what you’re doing, being who you’re being, without me in your life. And that even though you may not know it, I keep you in my datebook, if for nothing else to remind me that yes, once things were good, once I celebrated this day with you with cake and balloons and long, lazy mornings in bed and while I’ve moved on, I can still be as wistful as I want by those meager entries in my datebook.

So yes, I’ve let go of most of you, but these memories – they’re mine, even if they’re only prompted by the pages in my calendar.