Wanted: Karma Reversal

I must apologize. A sincere, honest, from-the-heart apology to whoever it is I offended so badly that put this hex on me. I feel like Lindsay Lohan in that horrible ‘Just my Luck’ movie only I’m a) not anorexic and b) have never been to a costume ball and anyway, that dude was dressed like a total douchebag. I *SO* would not have kissed him. (So yes, I saw the movie, but it was on a plane, where any and all Aubrey moviegoing happens. Shut it.)

Anyway, it *HAS* to be a karma payback, because I honestly can’t think of another reason why September (and hell, part of August) has been this awful. Not only did everything that could go wrong in every aspect of my life go horribly, tragically awry, but things I never even considered went kerflooey. My closet fell down not once, but four times. Hanging racks broke. Mirrors shattered. Pets got sick, again and again and again. Bills came in for triple the expected amount, romance took a turn for the horrificness and life was at an all-time low. (You should hear the things I’m *NOT* mentioning here, because if I did so I’d have to take a Xanax and I think I’m nearing the low-end of the supply. Suffice it to say they’re BAAAADDD.)

So yes. You? Yes, you, out there, who I cut off on the 101? I am sorry. Deeply, terribly sorry. You, ex-boyfriend who I called gay? Well, besides the fact that you are, I’m sorry I repeat the story of you leaving me standing in the street crying in a $500 dress by myself after you went off with someone else after a wedding. I should be more respectful to your asshole behaviour, or at least not repeat it this many years later since in the long run you’re actually pretty insignificant (though it *IS* a good story.) Shopgirl who I was short with, I apologize. I was having a bad day. Mom, Dad – sorry about adolescence. All I can say is hormones. And anyone who I’ve missed on this list, anyone I’ve wronged, whoever I’ve scorned with my sarcastic tongue, please, PLEASE accept my sincere apologies. It won’t happen again, really.

Because I believe in karma, the whole Golden Rule crap wherein you do good and good comes back to you. Granted, I may not show up in Mass nearly as much as I should nor do I volunteer enough, but I buy my friends dinner! I raise a completely rescued menagerie! I BRUNCH WITH FRIENDS! I’m SURE I’ve bought you a beer. Or twelve. I mean, that’s good, right? I listen! I social plan! I make out with boys that aren’t nearly as cute as I am, and seriously, THAT takes sacrifice. (For the record, that happens once in a blue moon. SERIOUSLY. High standards, peeps.) I think I’d be on the high end of karma, but for some reason, I must have done something to offend the Gods, and now I’m paying for it.

So please. Accept my apology, whoever you are, cosmically or otherwise. Because it’s got to get better…it just has to. My sanity is at stake…as is the organization of my closet. And really, I just got it all color-coordinated, and would like it to stay that way.

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