So for once, I’m WFC (Working From a Cafe) not due to laziness or a hangover or even due to frustration with my hour+ commute to Mountain View, shuttle or no shuttle, but because I had too much work to do and people kept coming into my office and talking about the "hot piece of ass" they got over the weekend. Good on ya, mates, but I’m up to my ears in work and listening to your prowess only reminds me that my suitors as of late have definitely tipped the scales into the stalker territory. (More on that later.) I honestly didn’t have enough time to risk the wireless crapping out on the shuttle today so I showered and plopped my weary ass on this chair here at 6:45am at the new coffee shop around the corner.  As such, I’ve been chugging away, and I’d call this 10 minute respite my lunch break if only someone would bring me a burrito. Since I don’t see that happening any time soon, I’ve decided to eavesdrop a bit.

There is a first date occurring on my table to the left; I’d say the girl – dressed in trying-too-hard business casual garb with a skirt that, given the length, HAD to have been purchased at Express – is in her mid-20s; the guy, with his telltale awkwardness and laughing at inappropriate times demeanor, works in the Financial District doing something inordinately boring and probably hasn’t been on a date in the last year of his likely 35 that he’s stepped foot on this Earth. I can’t decide if it’s a Match.com union or a set-up, but the "Are you [so-and-so}" conversation happened no less than two minutes before the conversation below. So, without further ado, I present "The Most Socially Awkward  First-Date Couple on the Planet."


Stupid Blonde Chick Who Clearly Needs Wardrobe (and Hair) Advice (aka, SBC): Have you ever had a dog?

Middle-Aged Dude who So Clearly Needs to Get Laid (aka, MAD): No.

SBC: Me neither. I had a hamster. We had houses for it. It was pretty funny. I love animals. I left it in Iowa when I left.

Eavesdroppers note: Oh, this is ALL making much more sense.

MAD: Yeah. Hamsters are nice.

SBC: Have you ever been married?

Eavesdroppers note: Yes, this is definitely a good segueway from the pets question, and certainly appropriate in your THIRD MINUTE OF THE DATE. OH, this is getting good.

MAD:  No, I tried to.

SBC: Yeah, me too.

Eavesdroppers note: You TRIED to!? You BOTH TRIED TO? OMG, maybe this is an eHarmony union and they found their soulmates. They like hamsters. They TRIED to get married. DING DING DING, I think we have a love connection.

Suffice it to say the rest of the conversation (that I could hear as I was trying to stifle my laughter) included fun, light topics like Cancer! Crohn’s Disease (she had it, he thought he might as well.) The time he almost peed himself waiting for the bus! And, I kid you not, making plans to go shopping at "The Victoria’s Secret" this weekend.

They say "Every Pot has its Lid", though in this case, I think I’d have to SMOKE some (pot) to not FLIP mine (lid) if I were in this relationship. Then again, maybe *THESE* tips will help fend off the stalkers…

One thought on “Eavesdropping

  1. Questions, quibble, and comment.
    How are your suitors tipping the scales into stalker territory? (Isn’t that like a pre-Ick Ick?)
    Do you think the reference to shopping at “The Victoria’s Secret” might indicate some likemindedness with the Preznit, who just the other day, when asked on CNBC if he used Google, said that he likes to pull up maps “on the Google”?
    Quibble: A person who’s 35 ought not be thought of as middle-aged. If you can think of 40 as the new 20, imagine all the great shite you can get away with — both before and after you turn 40, which you will some day — and how you can justify what some puritanical hypocrites might consider irresponsible behavior, by chalking it up to life as a 20-something.
    How does someone TRY to get married? Do they do the blood test apply for the license, begin the ceremony, and then get interrupted by the minister/justice of the peace who says something like, “I’m sorry, we can’t continue with this. You’re not qualified to be married. You need to try harder than this.”

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