So for once, I’m WFC (Working From a Cafe) not due to laziness or a hangover or even due to frustration with my hour+ commute to Mountain View, shuttle or no shuttle, but because I had too much work to do and people kept coming into my office and talking about the "hot piece of ass" they got over the weekend. Good on ya, mates, but I’m up to my ears in work and listening to your prowess only reminds me that my suitors as of late have definitely tipped the scales into the stalker territory. (More on that later.) I honestly didn’t have enough time to risk the wireless crapping out on the shuttle today so I showered and plopped my weary ass on this chair here at 6:45am at the new coffee shop around the corner. As such, I’ve been chugging away, and I’d call this 10 minute respite my lunch break if only someone would bring me a burrito. Since I don’t see that happening any time soon, I’ve decided to eavesdrop a bit.
There is a first date occurring on my table to the left; I’d say the girl – dressed in trying-too-hard business casual garb with a skirt that, given the length, HAD to have been purchased at Express – is in her mid-20s; the guy, with his telltale awkwardness and laughing at inappropriate times demeanor, works in the Financial District doing something inordinately boring and probably hasn’t been on a date in the last year of his likely 35 that he’s stepped foot on this Earth. I can’t decide if it’s a Match.com union or a set-up, but the "Are you [so-and-so}" conversation happened no less than two minutes before the conversation below. So, without further ado, I present "The Most Socially Awkward First-Date Couple on the Planet."
Stupid Blonde Chick Who Clearly Needs Wardrobe (and Hair) Advice (aka, SBC): Have you ever had a dog?
Middle-Aged Dude who So Clearly Needs to Get Laid (aka, MAD): No.
SBC: Me neither. I had a hamster. We had houses for it. It was pretty funny. I love animals. I left it in Iowa when I left.
Eavesdroppers note: Oh, this is ALL making much more sense.
MAD: Yeah. Hamsters are nice.
SBC: Have you ever been married?
Eavesdroppers note: Yes, this is definitely a good segueway from the pets question, and certainly appropriate in your THIRD MINUTE OF THE DATE. OH, this is getting good.
MAD: No, I tried to.
SBC: Yeah, me too.
Eavesdroppers note: You TRIED to!? You BOTH TRIED TO? OMG, maybe this is an eHarmony union and they found their soulmates. They like hamsters. They TRIED to get married. DING DING DING, I think we have a love connection.
Suffice it to say the rest of the conversation (that I could hear as I was trying to stifle my laughter) included fun, light topics like Cancer! Crohn’s Disease (she had it, he thought he might as well.) The time he almost peed himself waiting for the bus! And, I kid you not, making plans to go shopping at "The Victoria’s Secret" this weekend.
They say "Every Pot has its Lid", though in this case, I think I’d have to SMOKE some (pot) to not FLIP mine (lid) if I were in this relationship. Then again, maybe *THESE* tips will help fend off the stalkers…