Independence Day

My Dad left my Mom eight years ago today. He pulled out of the driveway and she took photos of him holding the dog in the front seat of the U-Haul. He was leaving her after twenty six years of marriage and she took photos.

I didn't understand it then, but I do now. You want something to remain, some sense of validation that it actually happened. That you were part of something. That, despite the current circumstances, someone, at some point, loved you.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Every time I try to change this or ignore this part of myself, I fail. It's something that I've learned to accept, and lately my silence on my website or other places online is more of me censoring myself instead of me not having anything to say. Because I have plenty to say, just not sure it's the right forum. Not sure it's fair to others to be so transparent. But is it right for me? I struggle with that question.

Why do we share? Why do we blog or Tweet or check in somewhere? Is it self-serving or is it, like relationships, our desire to be part of something bigger than ourselves? Is it just one more way to look for connection?

There's a poignant line in my favorite movie, Say Anything, where Diane Court goes to the kickboxing gym to reunite with Lloyd Dobler. She says that she needs him; he replies: "Are you here because you need someone or because you need me?" He then quickly says that it doesn't matter. But he was wrong, so wrong. It DOES matter. So much.

I've had a rough few weeks. Hell, to be fair, I've had a rough year. I lost the person who I'm starting to think may be the love of my life. Or at least he has been, up until now. And then I recently dated a kind, caring, thoughtful, good man, who quickly became my best friend. My confidant. He has been my person, the one I turned to for anything good and bad. And since that ended I've been struggling with that very question that Lloyd Dobler asked. Am I missing him – which yes, of course I am – or merely missing someone?

And so yes, I now understand why my Mom has those photos from eight years ago saved somewhere. I – ironically – have a photo I took in the midst of our breakup of him wearing the sunglasses I bought for his birthday, taken to show him how they looked at the time. But it remains on my phone, a small piece of tangible evidence that I was part of something. The validation isn't much, nor is it easy, but it's something. And for now, on this Independence Day, it's enough.

3 thoughts on “Independence Day

  1. I think we share for connection, as well as self serving. I originally started with Pownce then twitter, while I was traveling & stuck in remote corners of the world. I was only once every few weeks near someone who was a native english speaker, & thus I needed someone to talk to. There are times when I do say only to be say, & I do feel that 85% of the those on twitter are on a soapbox & don’t want a rebuttal.
    Connections, whether loved or hated ones, will continually effect you & your decisions.

  2. Like yourself I tend to censor myself, a lot. Probably to much at times. I tend to keep stuff bottled up, and sometimes it gets contained to long and it all comes rushing out, usually at a person that does not deserve it. I personal am trying to work on this by trying to write. Though at the moment it is not going well. I find your comment about “am I missing that person, or merely missing someone” very real to life. I believe most people don’t want to be alone, therefore end up settling. Months, maybe years will go by and something changes so you go your separate ways. At which time you look back and ask why you were with them in the first place. Was it because you loved them or merely because you didn’t want to be alone? The answer could be a little of both. All I know is that even though it is easier now than ever to meet people with the internet and other ways, I find it harder to meet real genuine people that actually care. Now, head up, look forward, and set your sites on the road. As I always tell people, things happen for a reason, you might not know at that time what those reasons are, but you will eventually. Good Luck!

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