In light of our tumultous weather that is shaking the building, the fact that I’ve already escaped death twice this month (when lightning hit my plane & during the earthquake that I slept through), and the fact that I am a GIVING, GIVING person, I figured it was only appropriate for me to take you all into consideration in this dark time.
Yes, tornadoes are ravaging around us all and I’m here, unselfishly thinking of y’all. Touching, ain’t it?
I, Aubrey O’Neil Sabala, residing at [none of your damned business, I SAW YOU looking in my window the other night], Georgia, do hereby make, publish, and declare this to be my last Will and Testament and hereby revoke any and all Wills and Codicils at any time heretofore made by me. [Writer’s note: ’bout damned time I got to use the word ‘heretofore’ on my website.]
FIRST: I declare that I am not married and have no children. However, I have [classified number] of cats and will address their needs and care below.
SECOND: I direct that the expenses of my funeral and burial be paid out of my estate. Since I am living even more in destitution than in sin, just throw me in the backyard and let the vultures get me. I can’t afford anything else. Any interested parties are welcome to fund a big fat funeral if needed — use the Aubrey O’Neil Sabala Wedding Fund that has approximately $17 to date.
THIRD: I give, devise and bequeath to the following addendumed individuals (in no specific order) absolutely if s/he survives me:
To Miss Valerie K. Williamson, I hereby bequeath my beloved booboos (cats/felines/strong dissuading factor in any and all serious relationships with lovely boys), including their $300 litter box and preponderance to poop in the bathtub. I also bequeath all of their belongings and toys, including the edamame shell that is likely located underneath my refrigerator and the chewed-up bag of catnip that adorns my hallway. In addition, the top of my hamper and main prop for Sebastian playing ‘Turtle’ will need to go as well. Tommy will just have to learn to love his new friends.
To Mrs. Kelly F. Moore, I hereby bequeath any and all pairs of cool shoes that I have, including, but not limited to, my Via Spigas and the Jimmy Choo’s that I’ve had my eye on for a long time (if they are purchased before my untimely demise.) I also bequeath this very cool blue/pink satin belt that would look great on her.
To Miss Sarah M. Simmons, I hereby bequeath any and all remaining bottles of “Chaser Hangover Medicine” because a) it works and b) I’ve never seen anyone besides myself get THAT hung over. I also bequeath her my magazine subscriptions and my badass Diesels with the red waistband as well as first pick of any item purchased at fab’rik between August 2002-May 2003.
To Miss Brandyn L. Long, I hereby bequeath my BELOVED vehicle as I definitely owe her one from that whole ‘totaling of the car’ incident on April 14, 2000.
To Miss Beth Ketchie Crowned Queen, I hereby bequeath any and all artifacts from Carolina Summer and my laundry hamper, which she has been known to sit in when inebriated. I would give her my clothes but even my smallest things fall off of her unfairly svelte frame, so she’ll have to settle for my knee-high black boots and whatever non-intellectual book she wants out of my collection. (Multiple of both.)
To Miss Tracy H. Tranguch, I hereby bequeath my jumbo-sized pack of toilet paper (located in the hall closet) as I know she enjoys having extended conversations with it in the wee hours of the night. I’ll also throw in some jewelry because, well, I’m nice like that.
To Mrs. Carianne M. Holton, I hereby bequeath that picture of us at Myrtle Beach with Tim the Cabana Boy that is found in the beach-motif frame on my dresser, to be handled (destroyed) as she sees fit. I also bequeath her first dibs on anything in my closet that would fit her skinny-bitch body. [Note: Jealousy abounds.]
To Miss Lelia S. Schwab, I hereby bequeath my ball gowns, formal dresses and my princess crown(s). Nobody deserves them more.
To Miss Elizabeth L. Jerome, I hereby bequeath all of my “Ann of Green Gables” books that are found in a box in the basement of my house in Westlake.
To Mr. Brian A. Kiger, I hereby bequeath him my endless adoration. Being one of an extremely non-materialistic nature, I’m sure he would want nothing more than that. But since I’m a giving person, I will also bequeath him my stuffed animal that he tied to the porch with a suicide note attached.
To Mr. Michael R. Warner, Jr., I hereby bequeath my cell phone. He needs one (though will surely be in mourning for too long to really make good use of it, what with my daily singing messages being gone.)
To Mr. Wil (with one ‘L’) Simmons, I hereby bequeath my hair products. And my hair dryer. He’ll know what to do with it.
To any and all of my ex or current boyfriends, I hereby bequeath my liquor collection, all of the beer in my fridge, and the items found in the bottom drawer of my bedside table. It’s first come, first serve. In addition, I bequeath all of the pictures of me to be divided evenly to effectively construct the Shrine to Aubrey (directions found in an attachment to follow).
To any and all of you who feels you’ve been unintentionally left out of my bequeathment, simply email me or leave a ‘thought’ and I’ll consider and respond accordingly.
FOURTH: I give and bequeath all of my tangible personal property, not otherwise disposed of, to Mrs. Sue C. and Mr. Edward R. Sabala, Jr. They can fight it out (though I’m guessing that Sue would like some clothes, the bedroom set and the jewelry. Ed’s got dibs on the computer equipment & other knicknacks of the dorky variety, of which there are plenty.)
In Witness Whereof, I have set my hand to this keyboard and typed this my Last Will and Testiment and have affixed my digital signature this Sixth day of May, 2003.
Aubrey O’Neil Sabala