There is a gnome running around in my brain doing the macarena or another intolerable line dance. He is gyrating on my medulla oblongata, limboing under my hypothalamus, and doing the cha-cha around my amagdala. He has on a cactus coat, causing shooting pain when he falters in his kickboxing exercises near the front of my head.

My friends, I feel like a pile of ass.

Jello shots are the nectar of the devil, and I have only myself (and a friend who would prefer to remain nameless, being that he’s a hotshot lawyer and all) to blame. It was HIS party where I imbibed, HIS great idea to have me do the blue jello shots, and HIS choice of having said party on a Thursday night that is causing the aforementioned gnome to send me to my own personal hell. It was HIS idea to walk to the bar, HIS friend who I sent to buy me some much-needed Tums, and HIS idea to continue on the debauchery. Yet it was MY idea to have 10 of the jello shots on an empty stomach.

To add insult to already-painful insufficient brain injury, NOBODY will go with me to indulge in the only known hangover cure of greasy food. If I have to order takeout from Max & Erma’s, I’ll succumb. If somebody could make a cheeseburger with ketchup, mushrooms, barbecue sauce (preferably Sweet Baby Ray’s), I’d be their sex slave or their Best Friend Forever, depending on their gender.

The following requests would make me feel less like a worthless mid-week quasi-alcoholic:
1. If you know Paul Walker, or have any ties to ANYONE who knows Paul Walker, or can somehow get his phone number, please, for the Love of God, email me with it. He has made his way to #1 of my Top 5 list and I bet he’d love to know that I’ll willingly bear his children. (Or at least engage in actions that would foster that outcome.)
2. If you can teleport me some Goodies Headache Remedy, I’ve heard it works wonders. And I need a miracle.
3. If you could add some brake fluid to my car, I’d be forever grateful.
4. If you don’t know Paul Walker but could somehow get me in touch with any of the following, I’ll kiss you on the mouth. The list includes: Michael Vartan, Kirk Herbstreit, Heath Ledger, Matthew McConaughey (of my drunk dialing fame) and Scott Speedman. I’ll even throw in Ashton Kutcher for good measure.
5. If you could all CUT THE ATTITUDES today, I am in NO mood to deal with any of the following: stupid emails from people that do nothing but waste my time over a moot and ludicrous matter, clients that refuse to make any sense, people that get all pissy about an innocent email.

If you could get to these matters pronto, I’d appreciate it. In the meantime, I must stuff my face with this BBQ cheeseburger and prepare for the second of three ‘birthday weekends.’