As of late, I have been experiencing a very troublesome personal problem. It weighs on my mind, on my soul, and paralyzes me with fear numerous times during the day. It weasels its way into my dreams, proving that even my non-waking moments are plagued with stress and anxiety and fear. I hate this.
My problem is that I’m broke.
Not just broke, mind you, but so extraordinarily money-conscious that I’m so jealous of anyone who has any money that it’s turning me into a soured bitch. (That, and the new dosage of Happy Anti-Baby-Vitamins that have thus far caused extreme irritability in my normally quasi-pleasant nature, but I digress…) So yes. Broke. If I had to change my name, I’d be Aubrey McBrokeBroke Destitutio. And the problem with being broke, besides the obvious, is that being broke is NO FUN. Not even an iota of fun. Zip. Zilch. The black hole of fun-dom. Get my drift?
Without detailing my insane amount of expenses in a pathetic line-order spreadsheet, I’ll let you know that between my house, my car, my cable (yes, this is mandatory, as I must get more than 2 channels, which is the case without it), my phone (which I tried to get rid of but can’t because of my…)…Security System (which I tried to get rid of so I could get rid of my phone, but am somehow locked in by a 3 year contract. Bastards), my cell phone, my internet connection, my homeowner’s dues, my homeowners’ insurance, my car insurance, my electricity (which should be MUCH lower than the last bill of $92/month since my house is an inferno at 80 degrees as an attempt to keep down the atrocious charges), my gas (the natural kind, not the heartburn-related type), my gym membership (I may be broke, but I don’t wanna be a broke fattie), and my grad school loans, there’s little left. And by little, I mean under $200. A month. BEFORE FOOD.
See why this plagues me like a mutated strain of flesh-eating SARS?
And yet with the full knowledge of my destitution, my desires (nor my ‘other expenses’) have not waned in the least. Weddings are still occurring. Wedding showers are still occurring. The cats still need litter. The house still needs windex and toilet paper, and shampoo, even if I do use Cottenelle vs. my much-plushy-and-loved Charmin, and Dove vs. the much-hair-smoothing Bumble & Bumble. See? Frugality.
And then there’s food. And drink. I would make a horrific anorexic, and while I’m throwing all nutritional requirements to the wind by eating as much as I can for free at work, one cannot – nor should not – exist on Twizzlers and Baked Lays and Mini-Oreos and Snyders Pretzels and Cheez-Its and M&M’s alone. (Though we also have Slim-Fast which has been my alimentary consumable of choice lately, which is killing two birds with one stone. But again, I digress…)
I’m also a social gal, as we very well know, and have come up with ‘creative’ ways to finance my socializing habit as I so choose to call it. Thus far, I’ve extended my birthday for over a month’s worth of free birthday shots and drinks, I’ve flirted shamelessly with miscreants nearing the geriatric age in hopes of a brew a gratis, and I’ve hoodwinked every beer girl in town to sample every variety of new beverage around. (And no, Zima is NOT below my standards, thank you very much.) A faux bachelorette party and other morally questionable activities are in the works…
As such, I’m turning to you for suggestions, for ideas, for promises that this is as bad as it’s gonna get. I need you to soothe me when the unexpected $700 bill for city and county homeowners’ taxes that exceeds my allotment in escrow arrives and sends me on a tailspin. I need kind words when you find me in the fetal position on my kitchen floor, clutching my ever-escalating credit card statement while whimpering “I’m poor…I’m poor.” And most of all, I need you to remind me, when I’m out on the town and being lively and feeling nothing but generous, that BY NO MEANS do I need to get this round, or any future round, for that matter. Plain and simple, I need a sponsor.
Thus I officially announce the “Aubrey Sabala Sponsorship Plan” – a Membership program with rewards. For your meager donation, you get perks that far exceed any frequent flier offerings around.
Some of these benefits include:
- Frequent PERSONAL phone calls from Aubrey Sabala herself – some even after 2am!
- Hand-written thank you letters with Googliscious treats enclosed
- The ability to post comments and even suggest new entries on Aubrey’s personal site!
- Publicity for your website (if you have one), promotion of your products (if you have them) and unrelenting support of all of your pursuits.
…and much, much more!
AND, that’s not it! For your sponsorship, you will get a keepsake “Aubrey Sabala Membership Club” card for you to carry around with you in your wallet! Already a hit at bars and clubs in Atlanta, the card will get you amazing status recognition and discounts worldwide!
How do you join this amazing program? It’s simple! Just make a contribution by clicking on either the DONATE link or the “Wish List” image below
or simply send me food, treats, or love (as well as Bobbi Brown cosmetics and Seven Jeans). If you’re interested, email me and I’ll HAPPILY provide you with my address.
After all, Membership DOES have its Benefits.
AubreySabala.com 
Maybe you could just become a kept woman. Find a nice middle-aged sugar daddy to take care of you.
Hmm, not a bad idea. Please revise to state that anyone who makes me a Kept Woman must be:
1) Hot
2) Under 33
3) Willing to let me buy overpriced jeans
For this, he gets a VERY special type of membership, with VERY special benefits. Email me with applications for this VIP level.
Why don’t you sell your soul again? You did it once for three chicken wings and even got it back. So technically you just loaned it out. Just think how much more you might be able to get.
It’s easy. NO TARGET. NO DESIGNER JEANS. NO NEW JEWELRY (even if it is fun). NO EATING OUT (once a week allowed for lunch and dinner). Why spend x amount on a glass of wine at a restaurant or bar when you could buy the whole bottle for the same amount and drink it at home? Write down everything you spend and cut back on the frivilous (the “real” definition of frivilous, not the aubrey one). It is fail-proof, I promise. Or hire me as your financial planner. I will whip you into shape for a small fee. xoxoxo
Sell your Saab and buy a Honda. Buy Gap jeans instead of Seven Jeans. Basically live according to your means, don’t put yourself into debt and eat away your savings to ‘keep up with the Jones’ Come to the conclusion you are poor and start living like a poor person – in no time you will be rich!!
Or you could become a stipper on the weekends! Oh, and selling drugs is a sure money maker!
Oh. Girl. I. Feel. You.
Wedding bills plus honeymoon bills (all put on credit card) plus one unemployed husband plus Bay Area Rent (2k/month) has landed us exactly in the poorhouse.
This means no money for the next two weeks.
None.
We can’t even afford salad for our salad days.
But, hope:
CreativeMoonlighter.com is where I oft go for freelance cash…they have copywriting gigs…also, consider writing a little book and selling it on cafepress.com…also, babysitting on the weekends kills my desire to have children, saves me cash I’d have spent going out AND makes me a trifle bit o’ money.
OOOH!! Good suggestions, esp. to Helenjane who offered MONEY MAKING opps. Kudos!
As for “No target”, “No designer jeans”, etc…kiddos, I’ve got $200/month. BEFORE. FOOD. That was an accurate figure. Until I can do better than that, Target is a mere memory.
Target might just go out of business without your patronage!
Babe, I too feel your pain… Being in my own grad-school, new-place-in-Midtown induced version of poverty, I can very much relate. BUT, there are some opitions out there that I’ve been scouting, so that one can still have some form of social life while destitute. I’ll let you know the others when I think of them, but for starters, Balance (Piedmont and 10th) has a $10 bottomless glass of wine night every Tuesday…it’s pretty cool.
ROCK IT! $10 bottomless glass?
Memo
To: Google
From: Aubs
Re: Wednesdays
From here on out, please provide me with free greasy breakfast and lunches every Wednesday to combat my Tuesday bottomless wine-drinking debauchery of the evening prior. I will also be looking like dookie on a stick. Be forewarned.
Yeah,it starts early (5:30) which is a good and bad thing, and honestly I have no clue on cut off time, but the bartender is cool as shit and will usually (if you’re still coherent) let you run later.
1) Did you file for your homestead exemption? It gives you a very nice reduction in your property taxes.
2) Rice! You’d be amazed at just how cheap rice is and how far it will go. True, a decent rice cooker will run you $50, but trust me, you make that money back in no time. When a certain company who will not be named turned evil last year, it was rice that helped me balance my budget until I got a much cooler and better paying job.
3) Just as the brewing companies have beer girls, go on a quest to be the expensive jeans girl. In exchange for a pair of jeans, you will wear them out and bore anyone who even glances in your direction about the virtue of said jeans. You’ve got the connections to make it happen.
4) In the interest of saving money, there is no number four.
5) Many professional societies, especially student chapters, have free food at their meetings. Sure it is depressing to know you’re at the point where you have to scam free food but it beats being rejected for food stamps.
6) Start your own panhandling army. Load up your car with Google food goodies, offer them to street people in exchange for their daily begging take. Please note that if you do this in my neighborhood, I will be forced to destroy you but anywhere else is fine.
7) Are you really using all the rooms in your house? Block out all sunlight in any room you don’t use regularly, shut the doors and air vents and stick a towel under the door to keep the good cool air from associating with the evil hot air.
8) Don’t fall into the Ramen noodle trap. Rice might trick you into thinking Ramen are a good deal but they don’t fill you up and will double the amount of time you have to spend in the gym.
9) Network and scan the ‘loaf for social events that feature freebies. For example, on Friday there is a social event that is easy to sneak into that features free food and wine.
10) I hear some of those old fallout shelters are filled with supplies. Won’t you look stylish in a dress made from a thermal blanket while drinking water out of a metal can?
Another perk of membership – you can share your affiliation with the general public! Get everything you want here!
(Also available on the left-side nav…
My life cracks me up sometimes.
I feel your brokeness, believe me.
may I make one suggestion for your book loving wish list…the library! I have finally learned after spending way too much money at barnes and noble, etc. that its much cheaper and smarter to borrow books from the good old library (just avoid the magazine/newspaper section, the homeless like to hang out there and an odd smell usually persists in that area), oh and you can borrow dvds there too.
as for the SATC dvds, I may be able to help you out (and one of those suckers will fill up an entire weekends worth of time). just send me an email if you’re interested…
One word: beans. Eat lots and lots of beans. So fiber-y. So nutritious. So…cheap. Back, red, pink, pinto, whatever–beans be yo’ answer, girlfriend.
Beans? Josh – are you trying to ensure the fact that I will be single for the rest of my life? If so, then beans are the way to go…
Seven Jeans are something no one should ever be without. Don’t sell your saab and don’t stop buying seven jeans. Do however buy knock-off Louis Vuitton bags!