I’m poor.
Basically broke, in fact.
And I take full responsibility for it.

I’ve never been that good with money – I have known from a young age that before I get married, my husband and I will have to endure some financial counseling because I’m not that great with the cashola. I don’t know where it started, but money has always burned a hole in my pocket. Nary a day or two would pass after I received the pickle-jar full of quarters and half dollars from my Great-Grandmother that I would find some trinket or token o’ fun to spend it on. And such it began…

As I grew, and in college, I found myself acquiescing to the lure of materialism, where girls would be sporting the newest $108 J. Crew sweaters and $126 jeans that it began to seem almost normal. And even though I worked through college, it was more of the ‘fun spending money’ variety as opposed to requisite sustinence-providing income.

During grad school, I learned about being broke, though for some reason I never really felt like I was lacking anything. Since I was ready to get out of DC, I didn’t go out that often and thus didn’t spend a ton of money. (Also, I lived in the full-fledged ghetto so my rent wasn’t that much.) 1 semester and $10,000 of school loans later, I learned about debt.

From then, it seems to have spiraled into a never-ending pattern of me trying, without avail, to pay off my credit cards. I was able to rationalize a trip home as a much-needed credit card purchase, which began the slippery slope into a much-needed sweater and then a much-needed dinner with friends. Even business travel, most of which is 100% expensable, never seems to be 100% reimbursed on the credit card. For one reason or another, I always am on the short end of the money stick.

I decided to take the matter into my own hands this fall, and got a roommate. Yet I’m a horrific budgeter, and I still manage to bounce my checking account nearly every pay period. Unexpected expenses – $100 airline change fee that was unavoidable, a speeding ticket and requisite traffic school fee, $95 to get my car from being towed, and yet again I find my checkbook hovering near the negative column and my hand hovering near the credit card.

This has got to stop.

I have self-control…I really do. I can go on diets (on occasion), I’ve cut down on my late-night dialing as well as my late-night drinking, I’ve followed my plan to read more and even watch more movies. I feel like the Aubrey Improvement Plan is going quite swimmingly, if I do say so myself. Yet this one issue, my finances, seems to be insurmountable. Bills – from the home phone that I can’t get rid of since I have an alarm system that I can’t get rid of, to an $130 water bill that came out of nowhere – are overwhelming. I’m literally living paycheck to paycheck and turning to my credit cards as a lifesaver for these unexpected bills. And it’s catching up with me.

I’m not writing this to solicit advice – I’m sure all of you could give me different financial tips and tricks that should magically reduce my debt in no time! Though I appreciate your concern, lectures about cutting my spending (I’m trying, I’m really trying…) are only going to sink me into even greater depression. After all, I keep my house at 78 in the summer and 64 in the winter…if I’m sacrificing my base needs of heat and cooling, I’m doing what I can. I am the first to say I make poor choices in WHAT I choose to spend my money on, but like I said, I’m trying. I’m looking for more freelance opportunities, however much sleep I’ll have to sacrifice for them, and may even get yet another roommate as well. Yet when it comes down to it, I’m scared. I guess I just needed to share this, to share that I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to buy my family christmas presents and that Sullivan has needed to go to the vet for months and I haven’t yet taken him.

Basically, I’m trying to do my part, and in the meantime, I hope y’all like knitted goods for Christmas.