Please excuse me while I curse vehicles and their moronic drivers for a second…

We’ve discussed the Holiday season. We’ve discussed my Christmas Tree. We’ve discussed my Christmas Party dress. We’ve discussed Gift Lists and more. Now it’s time to discuss decorations.

I’m all for decorating your house, as long as you don’t go overboard. Pretty lights on the trees, candles in the windows, a wreath and even some nice red bows…classic. When you get all jacked up with your lawn ornaments, Santa and his 40 reindeer flying over Frosty, a multi-colored spectacle of lights and – God save us all – NEON CHRISTMAS GREETINGS, is when I get testy. There’s a fine line between pretty and gaudy, my friends, and you with the Santa dancing with a blinking Dredel on the roof just crossed it.

While we’re on decorations, I see NO need to have your holiday spirit spill over into car decorations. (Unless it’s some holiday SPIRITS, in which case, keep ’em to the backseat and carry Shout wipes. They work wonders on mulled cider.) Please, remove those “Happy Holidays” static cling decals next to the “Baby on Board” sign. We don’t need garland on your roof rack. And whatever you do, do NOT put a wreath or bow on the front of your car. Are you TRYING to let everyone know that you’re a complete and total idiot? Well, Bravo. Mission accomplished.

Yes, there’s holly and it’s jolly, but the only thing you should have over your doorways is mistletoe. That brown thing is nothing but an oak leaf, and if you think I’m smooching you under that, you’ve spent too much time putting up your neon lawn ornaments.

While we’re trying to remain festive, trying to remember that this is a time of giving, a time of sharing, when the only thing that stands in the way of us ramming into that jackass ahead of us who is going 12 mph. on the highway is not wanting to crack our Holiday candles (presents, no less), this time of the year brings out the most incompetent imbiciles around. Apparently these road-terrors have been festering in their house, watching QVC and Antiques Road Show, and they just now decided to venture out into civilization and test their driving non-skills. And somehow, I always get behind them.

Take today. I had to pop out for lunch – a rarity in Aubrey-land – and cash some checks, mail some presents (ok, BUY and THEN mail some presents), and grab a Falafel sandwich, and needed it to be a quick trip. Minus the traffic (damn you) and the road work (yes, this is a WONDERFUL time to fix the sidewalk next to the mall and block off two lanes), I was making good time. Until I hit the parking garage.

A word on our garage – it’s one of those multi-level doohickeys where you curve around and around until you think you’ve been playing with a Sit-n-Spin again. And as a driver of a much-beloved Saab 5-speed, I’m not much loving the stop & go action on the curves. Do NOT stop mid curve and consult an atlas. You’re in a goddamned garage. Do NOT back up on a hill when I’m mere feet behind you – there is NOT a spot that you missed and it’s a one-way lane. Do NOT sit there while Granny Slow-Backer-Outer takes 7 minutes to reverse her Caddy. Because if you do, I may just succomb to road rage after all.

Especially when you park and I see that you’ve got a giant-sized wreath (with a giant-sized red bow, no less) on the front of your car.

* Note that this is Holly F-Ing Jolly, Redux as the Holly F-Ing Jolly original masterpiece was written for Sarah’s site. In case you were wondering, or anything…