It’s a gray, somewhat rainy day in a city far from home that makes me feel a little lost, a little sad, a little wondering what I should do.

My friends have given me advice – they look out for me, you know. They all have opinions on what makes the most sense, what will help me in the long run, but when it comes down to it, the decision is mine. And it’s not an easy one to make.

I feel alone.

It’s funny how easily we can get used to something, get used to a person or a place or a situation, and while you can remember how it was before, you can’t will yourself back into that place, regardless how you try. Things have changed, you have changed, and now you’re faced with the here and now instead of the month, two months, six months ago that you want to go back to. Because when it comes down to it, you can’t make yourself feel one way or another, no matter how much you want to.

And I want to.

That’s the problem with life – the experiences start to invade you, pluck at you like a guitar, little by little until you again become numb and realize that without your knowledge, things have happened. You have changed. What once was right, now is wrong. What once made you happy, now makes you sad. You have been affected, and this here and now really IS your reality, your life to deal with.

I want my old life back.

It’s not all bad; mind you, the things that got you from there to here could have been good. Could have been great, in fact. You could have spent most of that time happy, and laughing, and lighter than you’ve been in a while, but – in a twist of fate that somehow seems both cruel and unfair – the sum of all the good can still equal the bad, can still leave you where you are, today, trying to figure out what to do and trying to figure out what makes the most sense.

And sense! Who can make sense of it all? Your friends can offer you suggestions, but they don’t live it. They don’t see what you do, don’t have to deal with the aftermath of the decisions, they’re removed. They love you, they care, but they’re not going to be the one picking you up afterwards. You have to do that for yourself.

So really, after it all, after everything of the contrary and the pondering and the questioning yourself and others and God and life itself, you feel alone.

You are alone.

I am alone.