Let’s face it – I’m a bit narcissistic. And vain. And even a little self-centered. After all, I have a website/blog, and most people with these tend to either a) know that they may be described by one of the aforementioned adjectives or b) be in complete denial that they are described as such. Either way, us writers (at least us writers that bear our souls on a daily/weekly basis to a vast anonymous interent audience that may or may not contain our entire families, everyone we’ve dated and everyone we’ve ever WANTED to date) like it to be about us. Thus the website.
Going along with this train of thought (that will likely spark angry dissenting emails from those of you who refuse to believe that you’re in the least bit self-centered), one of the best parts of having a website is having VISITORS to the website. Seeing that you like what we wrote, you came back, you told your friends about it – well, for a struggling writer like myself (and by ‘struggling’ I mean ‘when the hell am I ever going to have the column that I so long for?’), that just about makes my day. Watching my stats increase, seeing my site linked on yours – seriously, my friends, it makes me feel like I just won the Spelling Bee AND got the hottest date for my 8th grade dance, all in one. Because at the very core of it all, it’s about popularity. And that triggers my inner fourth-grader who is still trying to prove herself.
Imagine: Age 10. I’m most likely dressed in head-to-toe pink, since my Mom had a bizarre obsession with color-coordination and that color, and imagine this exact haircut, just 8 years in the future. (Parted down the middle with bangs was ALSO another one of Sue’s favorite things.) I was in the Gifted program, which immediately labeled me as a huge dork, and more than anything else I just wanted to be cool. The girls in my class were starting to ‘go with’ boys, yet I was stuck in monochromatic clothing-land with straight-across bangs and unpierced ears. Trust me – guys weren’t exactly lining up to ‘go with’ me.
Many (well, 17) years have passed, and every now and again, besides feeling like a little girl playing ‘adult’, I feel like an unpopular girl playing ‘cool.’ Many times I’ve said I write this site primarily for me, but also for you. It warms my heart to know that people are going to it, people are reading it, people are relating to it. Does it make me feel ‘cool’? Ok, I’ll admit it. It does. Yet lately, my site stats have been regularly decreasing, which not only brings me a huge bout of insecurity, but causes me to wonder:
- Am I boring you?
- Have my posts become unoriginal?
- Am I saying the same thing over and over again?
or (God forbid), - Are you just sick of me?
Honestly, I really want to know, and feel free, I’m sure I’m over-reacting, since that’s one of my best traits, but I’m curious – has aubreysabala.com gone downhill as of late?
Seriously, tell me – I can take it. After all, I’ve come a long way from 4th grade…at least in the haircut department.
AubreySabala.com 
I still think your site is great!! I love reading it and I will continue to read it as long as it is up!
Love the site.. keep up the good work..
Later
Suz
If women can sleep their way to the top, why aren’t we arlready there? Is there like, a huge epidemic of insomnia or something?
a,
here’s my 2 cents. it seems as though your life, in part, centers around your blog and your view of its audience. not that your blog is ‘that’ important, but it is the steady thing, the window, the notepad–the audience which you think expects a certain type of attitude or whatever from you.
but that’s the thing…you need to write for yourself. write what you need to. don’t think about posts, don’t see something in the world and think of how it could turn into a good post. given your dour mood of late, i’d actually suggest a break of sorts. in times when we get down, it makes sense to cut ties/connections/obligations in order to sort out what matters and what doesn’t. what would happen with a month w/o a post, for instance? last year, after 8 years of daily journaling, i stopped. and it was the best decision ever. it allowed me to experience the world without framing it in terms of what i thought about it or how it related to me. blogs, given their form, mandate an individual frame this or that in terms of themselves. lots of expectations there.
so, it sounds like you’re a tad bit frustrated, like you see the blog as a barometer and audience instead of an outlet for you. seems like you’ve been down. take a few weeks off, get yourself happy, etc.
All I know is that reading yours inspired me to create my own. And I think if you can inspire just one person, then it’s worth it and you’ve accomplished something special.
I’d say it’s probably just because it’s summer….there are other things to do. I wouldn’t worry tabout it too much if I were you…
I really love reading your site. I tend to view it through NetNewsWire when i’m at work – helps put a smile on my face through the day!
Keep up the good work!
Since I am currently “trapped” in a cultural wasteland in Ohio… I rely on your writing and posts to breathe some vitality and spark into my day-to-day. You and a few other blogs let me have “some” connection. Knowing someone is writing, even if it is mostly about yourself- helps me through the patch of not enough time to do my own writing. Even if you’re down, even if you feel like you are trying too hard, you are still expressing and creating. That is worth doing, and worth reading. You are one of the few people I check in to see daily if possible. Thanks for being there Aubrey.
You are now super cool and also a bigger dork because you are taking karate.
nah. not boring.
I love your site, Aubs! You must ALWAYS keep it up!!
Keep it up Aubs! Even though we don’t live in the same city anymore I still feel like I know what’s going on with you from the site!