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It’s the Least I Can Do: A Wee Holiday Present from Me to You

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Four and a half days left in this year that I had originally been so optimistic about. While I wouldn’t trade my optimism for anything, let’s just say that even though I’m reblonded and things really ARE looking up, I’d highly qualify 2007 as a dark and twisty sort of year. Which is cool, really, because like El Niño, it can’t happen two years in a row, right? RIGHT?

Anyway. Just giving you my year in a nutshell as a preface to your little "Happy Holidays" internet gift, just a few days late from last week’s intended post date. (Sorry, was having technical problems. Silly interwebs.) Taking the cue from fabulous people like Ryan and Keith, I, too, decided to step it up a notch from last year’s "Best of…" music list and provide you with the actual soundtrack, all downloadable and full of 100% authentic lurv from me to you. So without further ado, I present you with my "Best of 2007" song list – a veritable Top Ten List of Awesome, plus two more because MY awesome goes to twelve (screw turning it up to eleven – that’s so overused.) Download the whole playlist here (but keep reading for my reasons why.)

Aubs’ Best of 2007 List: In order from "Super Awesome" to "OMG I Can’t Get This Song Outta My Head!"

1. "Foundations" – Kate Nash
A late entry into this list, I first heard this a few months back as a preview of her soon-to-be released album, Made of Bricks. I love her over-pronounced British accent and the way the somber lyrics so greatly contrast the poppy tune of the song; resonated with my mood as of late.

2. "Nothing & Nowhere" – Emily Haines
My friends Ali, Ryan and I saw her last January at Great American Music Hall – it was one of those quiet, serene sit-down shows and we somehow persuaded the bouncer to give us a reserved table front and center. I had been listening to Knives Don’t Have Your Back for weeks prior to the show, but it wasn’t until I heard her sing this song live that I realized that it was my favorite on the album. Despite its mellow nature, it made it on many a mix CD this past year.

3. "Baby I" – Amy Millan
I remember listening to this song on repeat while  coming home on the Google bus  many days last spring. Not only do I adore all of Honey from the Tombs, but I got to see Amy TWICE(!!) while at SXSW and she sang this song both times while I sang along like a starstruck fool wearing cowboy boots. Which – frankly – I was.

4. "Samson" – Regina Spektor
While the rest of the world was bopping to "Fidelity", I was too busy being captivated by the first line of this song ("You are my sweetest downfall") to pay attention to anything else. Her voice is ethereal and while this song is true to the melancholy nature of many of the songs in my Best of 2007, I still find it to be a sweet, simple love song.

5. "Between the Moon and the Ocean" – Bon Savants
My friend Abby’s twin sister’s boyfriend is the lead singer for the Bon Savants; were it not for this connection, I don’t think I would have headed out on a blustery Monday night to see this Boston-based band when they made their way to SF in late 2006. And it would surely have been my loss, since I couldn’t stop singing this for weeks; nay, months. "You kiss like a Russian" may be my favorite lyric of 2007.

6. "Size too Small" – Sufjan Stevens
Behold, the power of the Internets. My friend Ryan posted this on his Vox blog, and though it was dedicated to another gal, I was charmed by the words and charmed by the fact that there are other people out there besides me that let the lyrics of a song provide the words to say what they’ve wanted to for a while. Gives me hope in some sort of romanticized, days-gone-by sort of way.

7. "Night Windows" – The Weakerthans
Daniel Burka, were it not for your obsession with this band and your many posts on Pownce about them, I wouldn’t have known about one of the best songs of the year. Thanks be to you, many times over.

8. "Plus Ones" – Okkervil River
A true story: ‘Twas the first night of  SXSW music, and I had ventured off on my own to see Okkervil River play at Mohawk Patio. I ended up sitting next to Jon (who occasionally plays with The Broken West and who I had seen playing trumpet with The Walkmen earlier that day, at which time I thought "YUM – former band geek turned HOT!" and who – ok, I admit it – I was super smitten with in that "I enjoy smooching you" sort of way) and watching Okkervil River live for the first time looking down from great, smuggled seats from the balcony. It was the perfect kick-off for the rest of the week, and when Okkervil River’s new album came out, it was only fitting that they wrote my favorite song on the last night of SXSW. Can’t wait to hear them play it in person next year…Jon, open invitation to join me again.

9. "Midnight Coward" – Stars
Yet another appearance by Amy Millan in my Top Ten Twelve List, this time with her  counterpart  Torquil Campbell in what I believe (and Last.fm confirms) to be my favorite band of 2007. While this wasn’t the first song that jumped out at me from In Our Bedroom After The War, it’s the one I’ve found myself listening to the most, no small part because of the lyric "Hurry to believe, I can always trust as much as you deceive." Sad, but true.

10. "If I Am A Stranger" (live) – Ryan Adams
Number 10 comes from my second-favorite musician of the year (though probably my favorite one of all time.) Apparently, I listened to "Two" more than any other Ryan Adams song this year, but that’s probably because it was the pre-release and I was so excited for Easy Tiger to come out that I couldn’t resist playing it excessively. This song is from his "Follow the Lights" EP and while it made the list at the last minute, it reminds me of the Whiskeytown days so much that I had to include it.

11. "Talking in Code" – Margot & the Nuclear So & So’s
I first saw them live in November 2006 without ever hearing one of their songs, and went home and immediately downloaded The Dust of Retreat only to put it on constant repeat. At SXSW, I raced across town to see them (by myself, no less) and – this time, knowing their songs – sang along to every one of their tracks. "Talking in Code" has resonated with me from the first time that I heard it, and the only way I can describe it is that it makes me breathless.

12. "No ones gonna love you" – Band of Horses
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to many of you, since I’m clearly an uber-fan of this awesome band, but this is hands down the best song on Cease to Begin and is gaining ground on my former fave BoH song, "The Funeral". My friend and I went to see them play at The Fillmore in late November, and when this song came on, I just stood there, mouthing the words as not to detract from Ben Bridwell’s unique, powerful voice.  Lyrics from this song often serve as my IM status message and since it came out, there was never a question that it would take the top spot in my 2007 "Best of" list. If only I was in Atlanta for NYE, since they’re playing FOUR SHOWS at The Earl. Jealousy can’t begin to explain it.

So there you have it – twelve months, twelve songs. ENJOY, and Happy Holidays.

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Resolute

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With just a few days remaining until we all watch the ball drop and wonder if this will be Dick Clark’s final year, (I love ya, man, but please – retire. You deserve the break and we deserve to have a new tradition, preferably with a non-geriatric host), the desire to make changes in our lives increases exponentially. In fact, there seems to exist this pressure to use this time – the passing of the calendar year – to assess all of the many months prior and the seemingly unlimited ones ahead. Gym memberships skyrocket in January, only to provide you with yet another unused card in the back of your wallet by the time the first tulips are pushing through the still-barren ground. Nicotine patches are scooped up like a 2-for-1 sale at a candy shop. And for the more creative amongst us, many try and one-up themselves from years past, whether or not they actually succeeded in the things they pledged to do or behaviours they promised to change. Many of my friends engage in “Health Month” wherein they devote January to a no-drinking, no-smoking respite from the other 11 months during which they imbibe with gusto. Not that one month of responsibility can make up for eleven others of the opposite, but I like the gesture.

But that’s all it is: a gesture. Perhaps even a challenge. I’m no stranger to either; I’ve done the Master Cleanse just to see if I could do it. (For the record, I can, and I may be doing it again, so know that this post is not written from a pedestal demonstrating my high-and-mightyness; instead, I’m firmly intermingled with the rest of y’all, striving and trying to change and grow and thrive.) A competitive person by nature, I find myself pushing forward most effectively when I’m either posed with a challenge, a dare, or an assumption that provokes me to prove to you – and me – that I can accomplish the opposite. Similarly, there’s an inherent attractiveness about the beginning of a new year – THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE (and sometimes, one more) days ahead to become the person we’ve been trying to be for years now. And though many need, and like, this impetus, I can also firmly say that it’s unnecessary. You change when you want to, or – often times – when you need to. You change when you recognize that acting the same way and doing the same things and making the same decisions yields the same results. Don’t like the results? Then change what caused them to be that way…namely, whatever it is that you’ve been saying or doing or thinking. Sounds simple, right?

I wish. If that was the case, we all would be 10 pounds less, making $30k more and happily in love. That’s not to say, though, that you can’t TRY, and that’s why I think so many people find New Years Resolutions to be so attractive. It’s not naïve, it’s optimistic. I know a person who gave up french fries every single year until she realized that she was failing because she didn’t WANT to give up french fries; in fact, she LOVED french fries.  So the next year she gave up GIVING UP french fries, and has been met with stellar success ever since. (Clever, aren’t I? Um, I mean, isn’t she? OK, fine, that person is me, and I still DO love me some french fries, but now that they’re no longer off limits, I find that I eat them a lot less than I used to. Reverse psychology or else closely aligned with my obsession with all things challenging, including men. Another parallel for another time, I suppose…Anyway.) Trying to better oneself should always be applauded, encouraged, supported.

And yet – despite all of this – I have stopped making New Years Resolutions, and I can’t exactly put my finger on why. It’s certainly not because I don’t think there are things I could change about myself; in fact, that list is at an all-time high. Yet I don’t think I need the triteness of it all – I’ve always been somewhat of an anti-conformist, if only for traditions – and I also tend to be somewhat impetuous, and don’t think I have the patience to wait for January 1st to make these all-encompassing changes. Instead, I’m trying to engage in a “rolling improvement process”, making changes on an ongoing basis. Takes off the pressure of revamping your life all at once, and appeals to my challenging, competitive nature. Also gives me a great excuse to take stock of where I am and what I want more than a few weeks out of the year, and provides me with the courage to make small, incremental improvements instead of piling one change upon the next, setting myself up for certain failure.

So as the year comes to a close, I wish you the best of luck for the successful achievement of your New Years Resolutions, whatever they may be. I’ll toast your successes – and hell, your failures, in case that’s the outcome – with a big plate of french fries. My treat.

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Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas!, originally uploaded by Aubs.

Bailey (my Mom’s adorable Yorkie) and I wish you the merriest of Christmases. I even dressed up for the occasion – check out my awesome sorority mixer t-shirt. Only the best for you, dear readers, only the best.

Though your present will be a few days late, know that the sentiment remains: happiest holidays to you and yours from me and mine!

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

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Maybe you’ve noticed that there’s a new look on this here website. Good job!

Or maybe you haven’t. That’s cool, too, I understand how things like "observation" can easily fall by the wayside when you’re busy or distracted (or reading this in a CSS reader.) Seriously. No problem. Don’t give it a second thought.

But the design here IS new, though it’s more of a paring-down of the former iteration as opposed to a full redesign. That will be saved for another time. In the meantime, however, I’ve grouped all the goodies into pages (linkable from the right side) but kept the main links that you use (to older posts, pics etc.) right there for easy access. (Heh. That term still brings out the 12-y/o boy sense of humor in me. But I digress…)

That said, I’ve noticed my stats have gone down since the relaunch, which makes me wonder if it’s a Google Analytics error (on my part, either having put the code twice on the former pages or missing some here) or if the redesign is actually affecting your behavior. So, weigh in! Was there something on the old design that is missing here? Something here that makes it harder to navigate around? Let me know…after all, I’ve got some time on my hands here to make any and all tweaks. You know, ’cause of the Holidays. And that pesky "lack of a job" situation.

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The Unemployment Chronicles: Part One

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Recently, for various reasons, I chose to leave the stable, corporate world of 9-to-5dom. Yes, I know this may come as a surprise to many of you since I haven’t written about it until now, but know that decision was also made for some very good reasons. Regardless, the outcome is the same – for the last month and a half I’ve done what I haven’t done since I was 11: basically, been unemployed.

That’s not to say that I’ve been sitting idly by; quite the contrary. I’ve taken on various writing and consulting gigs in an effort to fill this seemingly endless expanse of free time while I’ve been trying to figure out just what I want to do with my life. And throughout this process – which is ongoing, may I add – I’ve learned a few things along the way. Such as:

  1. Assumption One: With all my free time, I’ll be able to make significant healthy changes in my life.
    You know, like working out every day. Reality: total times I worked out in the last 45 days? Once. A long walk with Lila to get an embossing iron. (Wow, my mundaneness is just so…mundane.) Vicious  cycle, this unemployment purgatory, as I found myself basically both craving and subsequently resenting "having" to do anything, even if it was something I knew that was good for both body and soul, like exercising. (We’ll NOT discuss the number of beers consumed…)
  2. Assumption Two: Working for myself would help unleash my creativity.
    You guessed it, FALSE. As evidenced by the number of posts on this site since November 1st, you can see that I’ve found the opposite to be true. I’ve found myself devoid of motivation, of creative juices, and in many ways I’ve felt like I’ve lost my "voice." I think that I often saw this website as my own little refuge; faced with an onslaught of work ‘tasks’ I used writing here as my solace, my proverbial calm in the storm. It was a balance to corporate drudgery. Yet remove those responsibilities and writing soon seemed like the drudgery itself. Also, I didn’t want to wax poetic about my newfound "freedom" while I was trying to figure out my actual feelings about it, negative or otherwise. So, for once, I just clammed up. Posted a lot of photos. Some songs for your listening pleasure. As for writing, well, that only occurred in my head and in my journal. (Probably a shame, since some of the experiences I’ve had as a full-time unemployed person have been priceless. You know like the fact that I’ve been denied – TWICE – for health insurance because of my heartburn. BlueCross of California, if I PROMISE to take my Tums, will you change your mind?)
  3. Realization One: I don’t enjoy working for myself.
    This one has been
    especially hard to fathom since I long believed this was my ultimate
    work goal. As in: "Get married, have kids, be a freelance writer." Only
    I’m NOT married, the menagerie – while frustrating at times – can’t
    compare to raising children, and – the most surprising realization – I
    don’t particularly enjoy freelance writing. (Too varied of subject
    matter, not enough in-depth knowledge gained, in case you were
    wondering my reasoning.) Which, once I realized this, sends me back to
    square one. Hi, I’m 30, and I don’t know what I want to be when I grow
    up. Ironic, I suppose, in that whole "life is but a series of really
    pathetic jokes" sort of way.
  4. Realization Two: Getting a lot of sleep does NOT relieve tiredness.
    Also
    frustrating. I figured that sleeping in (not normally one of my strong
    suits) and napping if and when I pleased, would be the best. I’d be
    refreshed! Dynamic! Have that glowing skin that comes to those calm,
    zen-like people that uphold healthiness next to Godliness. Wrong again.
    Glowing skin is saved for post-coital situations and vegans only. My
    naps? Unfulfilling. And even though I didn’t HAVE to get up at a
    particular time most days, I did, and only went back to bed to fight
    that feeling of endless, looming hours ahead with still no certain
    direction. Oh, and your friends get really pissy when you log off of IM
    to go take a nap at noon.
  5. Realization Three: I like working, but only for someone else.
    I’ve always had a good work ethic, and have been proud of both my efforts and results. The fact that I LIKE working didn’t surprise me, but the fact that I like being someone’s employee DID. I’m a hard-working, motivated person who can both take and give direction. I like managing teams, and learning from good managers. Hell, I’ve even learned from CRAPPY managers – seeing what NOT to do, how NOT to treat people is also valuable in its own right. But as I found myself "professionally" sitting in my revamped home office (correct posture and all), I found that I was, well, bored. Lila, for all her talents, doesn’t hold her side of the conversation very well. IM only goes so far. And – let’s be honest – it’s FAR too easy to wear the same sweatpants and t-shirt day after day when you have no incentive not to. (As Daisy suggested for the title of this realization: "My hygiene started to suffer.") And after a few weeks – maybe even a few days – of working alone at home or at a cafe, I found myself actually missing cube-land, reminiscent about the daily grind. I started resenting all of this time – never even traveling, save for an unexpected trip back to Ohio for my Grandmother’s funeral – and really started longing for (dare I say it?) a routine. Stability. Because, frankly, I think that’s where I feel most secure, as uncool as it is to admit it.

In a nutshell, I’ve been living many people’s dream: working very little, accountable only to myself (and the limits of my bank account.) My sacrifices were seemingly minimal: I still go out to eat too much, still have a stocked wine fridge, and yes, you’re still getting your Christmas gift after the Great iPhone Debacle™ (story forthcoming) resolved itself most swimmingly.

But there certainly HAVE been sacrifices, in terms of my self-worth, my motivation, my realization that my life’s goal wasn’t one that interested me anymore. That, despite the blow to my self-motivated ego, I am happier working for – and with – others. That I thrive from their creativity, feeding off our interaction. That, after 5 years of higher education and 8+ years in the workforce, I still don’t really know what it is I want to do. It’s one thing to be 30 and single, yet another to be 30, single, and unemployed. Both of those I can (somewhat) handle. But to be 30, single, unemployed, and questioning my entire career aspirations, well, that’s just scary as hell.

As Albert Toffler said: "The future always comes too fast, and in the wrong order." Well, future, I’m here, ready and willing to take on whatever is next. But please, can my "next" come complete with a window view?