Choosing my favorite songs of 2009 was no easy feat. I spent hours going through my iTunes, Last.fm, DailyTuneage, and even Tweets seeing what was resonating with me through the course of the year. In a nutshell: I listened to a LOT of music. A LOT, PEOPLE. So much, in fact, that it didn’t all fit onto one CD. (Note: both this and the other mixes fit on a standard 700 mb CD should you be one of those antiquarians who listens to CDs in their car or whatever.) I took a first stab at this at the end of November, writing down the songs that meant the most to me. Then later put it into an iTunes playlist, listening to it repeatedly, swapping out songs, changing the order, and listening again, so by the time I posted it, I was almost a little sick of my own taste in music. (But just a little.) And as I mentioned in my other post, I didn’t limit myself to songs just released in 2009; instead, chose the tunes that I loved the most during the past year. (Don’t worry, I’ll cover my favorite albums of the year in yet another music-related post.) The songs that made it onto “Outside Under Broken Leaves” tended to be more personal, and as such, a lot of them were on the slower side. Melodious. Ethereal. They just seemed to fit my mood for this year, or at least my mood now as I’m looking back on the last year.

But there were more songs…many more songs that played a role in shaping my personal soundtrack of 2009. (No, I didn’t just sit around weeping quietly into my journal, as the other mix may suggest.) I did my share of rocking out, and this mix – which I’m calling “Lost and Found: B-Sides from Aubs’ Best of 2009” – reflects that. 

It’s all about the balance. The fast and the slow, the give and the take, the push and the pull. Hopefully this mix serves as a compliment to my Best of 2009, and also to your own musical journeys.

Download “Lost and Found: B-Sides from Aubs’ best of 2009”

1. There Goes The Fear – Doves
2. Saints – Army Navy
3. It’s About Time – Barcelona
4. Heads Will Roll – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
5. Pursuit of Happiness – Kid Cudi (featuring MGMT & Ratatat)
6. All We Want, Baby, Is Everything – Handsome Furs
7. Please Visit Your National Parks – Oxford Collapse
8. See You – Dinosaur Jr.
9. Hi-Fi Goon – Throw Me the Statue
10. Lost & Found – Phoenix
11. Oh My God, Whatever, Etc. – Ryan Adams
12. Anonanimal – Andrew Bird
13. Crystalised – The xx
14. Blindness – Metric
15. Blue Skies – Noah and the Whale
16. Island, IS – Volcano Choir
17. Lose You – Pete Yorn
18. I And Love And You – The Avett Brothers
19. Your Love (live) – Bon Iver

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Every year has its own soundtrack; music and lyrics evoking memories from the many moments that made up the past days and weeks and months. And as in years past, I’ve compiled the songs that meant so much to me this year.

2009, for me, was a year in contrasts. So many unbelievable highs shared time with  some painful, seemingly unfathomable lows. And this year’s soundtrack reflects that; you’ll hear the songs I put on while dancing around the house excited about the night ahead and the ones that I found myself weeping quietly to while on a plane. But that’s life; the flip sides of the same coin. Sorrow and joy. It’s what makes living exhilarating and real and a constant struggle and a constant delight.

“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find that it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Khalil Gibran, “The Prophet”

And so this year, I’ve chosen not to just list the songs and provide background on the band, but give you a glimpse into why these songs found a place on this list, a place in my heart, a place in the personal time capsule of my own 2009. Most – but not all – were released this year; I thought it was more important to provide an accurate soundtrack of what I was listening to instead of being constrained by the release date. I wanted to paint an authentic portrait of the last (almost) 365 days so I’ve shared the memories I had associated with each of the songs. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have to put it together.

 Download “Outside Under Broken Leaves: Best of 2009”

1. Rome – Phoenix
Mid-September. The Warfield Theatre, San Francisco. Standing next to my favorite person, listening to my favorite band.  The stage lights dimmed, and Thomas Mars asks the crowd to clap along, then suddenly, quietly, he sings: “I stand outside under broken leaves.” The crowd joins in. “I know I can’t do without, the future’s drowned away. I never loved you, if I loved you, wouldn’t say that I’m sorry, oh no. I stand outside under broken leaves.”

2. Fables – The Dodos
July. Happy. This song is cheery and poppy and never fails to put a smile on my face. At 2:46, I develop a crush on it; by 3:33, I’m firmly in lust. “Remember when you were my accomplice, now we forget why we started this.”

3. Rich Doors – New Villager
January. Quiet month, so this was a good distraction. Driving to work in the morning, I listen to Sirius XMU; heard about this San Francisco-based band (by way of Brooklyn) and after just one listen, went and downloaded it immediately. I have a good feeling about these guys.

4. Bad Romance – Lady Gaga
December. Ok, I admit it. This is the one I dance around my room to. A LOT. I wasn’t originally a fan – I mean, the video alone is weird, and I have to (embarrassingly) admit that I first heard it in its entirety on Gossip Girl (SHUT UP, I KNOW) and her weird, sinister-sounding  jibberish of “Ra Ra, aah aah aah, Ro  ma, Ro ma ma,  Ga Ga, Ooh la la” is plain just odd. But the chorus…damn that chorus. It’s grammatically incorrect – “You and me can write a bad romance “ – and certainly not mind-blowingly deep prose, but it’s catchy as all hell. This is an empowering, roll down the windows, crank up the stereo sort of song.

5. Airplanes – Local Natives
July. I initially fell in love with this song after hearing the percussion and the use of the violin over the guitars. Listened to it incessantly that month, then it kind of fell off of my radar, until last week I was driving in a car just a few blocks, sitting at a stop light, and listened to the lyrics again. “I love it all, so much I call, I want you back, back, back. You back.” Yep, I love it all.

6. Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap
October. It’s only fitting that this song is also on the “500 Days of Summer” soundtrack since it was the movie that affected me most this year. “A moment, a love. A dream, aloud. A kiss. A cry. Our rights. Our wrongs. “

7. About Today (Live) – The National
October. November. December. On a plane, yet again. Going somewhere. Back east? Heading home to San Francisco? I listened to this song so often this latter half of the year that the memories are muddled. Of any song on the list, this one gets under my skin, makes my soul ache, in its simple words. “You just walked away. And I just watched you. What could I say? How close am I to losing you?”

8. Fog – Mason Proper
March. Another song that I listened to earlier in the year but rediscovered recently. Somehow music just comes into your life when you need it most, when it fits best. “I tried to warn you, but you were out of your head, I tried to hold you back. I’ll meet you in the fog, again. And between you and I, we can, make some sense of this.” Reminds me that the story isn’t over yet.

9. Blood – The Middle East
November. Reminiscent of Midlake a bit, the lyrics sound like they should be from an Antlers song, but these Australians have created something that rings like a lullaby to me. 

10. Shelter – The xx
October. Unexpected night, unexpected events. This song playing in the wee hours of the morning, in a huge four-poster bed at a Victorian mansion bed & breakfast we had recently discovered. This album is the soundtrack of seduction. “I find shelter, in this way. Undercover, hideaway.”

11. Kettering – The Antlers
October. Was a hot month in San Francisco, but I never felt warm.  And this song fit. This Brooklyn-based band’s morose album silently wove my way into my heart. The lyrics are morbid, but the song itself gets under your skin.

12. Slow Life – Grizzly Bear
October. If I didn’t love Alexandra Patsavas – the music supervisor who worked on this album – I’d be reticent to admit that this comes from the Twilight: New Moon soundtrack. But that woman has phenomenal taste in music, and Victoria Legrand’s ethereal voice is haunting on this track. It’s like a breath of fresh air from the chaos that is life.  “Even though you’re the only one I see, if you ask I’ll cut you free.”

13. Fun Stuff – Frightened Rabbit
October. This is about learning to be alone. Moving on.  Letting go while feeling a sense of loss. “The Fun Stuff is much less fun without you.”

14. A Brief History of Love – The Big Pink
September. I love when songs are appropriately named, and this one is no exception. Love is fleeting. But worth it. “Let’s get lost and feel warm tonight, hit by another and the feeling is right. It’s all over tonight. As you leave me. It’s up to you to lend me your heart but you won’t let it go. And as you leave me, you’re in my heart I feel true love, and it won’t let go. It’s up to you mend my heart, please don’t let go.”

15. Left and Leaving – The Weakerthans
December. I almost called this mix “Left and Leaving”, because sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s left and who’s leaving. This year I experienced a lot of both.  Putting faith in coming back home. “I wait in 4/4 time, count yellow highway lines, that you’re relying on to lead you home.”

16. Heartbeats – Jose Gonzalez
December. This cover of The Knife’s song is a last-minute entry into the mix, but it didn’t feel complete until it was added. It’s ethereal and sweet and sad and honest. “One night to be confused. One night to speed up truth. We had a promise made. Four hands, and then away. Both under influence. We had divine sense to know what to say.”

17. Let Down – Radiohead
June. It has been a year of transit. Comings and goings. Seemed fitting to end this mix, this year, with a song that reflects this. “Transport, motorways and tramlines, starting and then stopping, taking off and landing. The emptiest of feelings.”

I can’t imagine the last twelve months without these songs accompanying me on all of my journeys. May they also go with you on yours.  

Happy Holidays, everyone.

*As with last year, the artwork was created by Ryan McManus, whose musical taste also rocks. And as always, please support these and other artists by buying their albums on iTunes, Amazon, or eMusic.

* Best of 2008
* B-Sides: Best of 2008
* Best of 2007 

** This was originally sent out as an email to friends last December, and somehow didn't make it on my website. But with my upcoming "Best of 2009" about to come out, wanted to also include ALL the songs that meant so much to me last year. Enjoy.

As I do every year, I've put together a Best of 2008 mix recapping the songs that served as the soundtrack of my life for the last 12 months. This year's 'edition' is entitled "Anywhere Feels Like Home" (a line from the awesome song 'Daylight' from Matt & Kim, which you'll find on the mix) and you can download it here. But, as I was choosing the songs to be included – not an easy feat for a musicphile like myself – I found myself wanting to include some of my all-time favorites as well. I felt like I was picking favorites amongst my children and didn't want to leave anyone out. Thus was the impetus for this other mix as I round out the end of 2008. Entitled "Going, Going, Gone", the songs are a bit more mellow; seems fitting as we near the close of the year when things are finally quieting down. You'll hear some of my old favorites – Ryan Adams' 'La Cienega Just Smiled' will forever warm my heart – as well as some newer music I discovered this year, such as 'Curs in the Weeds' by Horse Feathers. (I actually found out about this band from my very hip, very cute cab driver on the way home from Thanksgiving. I assume he is the only one in the city that fits that description.) 

As such, enjoy Going, Going, Gone, my small gift to you this holiday. 

Skinny Love by Bon Iver  
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03 Skinny Love.mp3 (6665 KB)

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
And I'll be holding all the tickets 
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind? 

I watch too many sappy movies. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I've been called both a helpless – and a hopeless – romantic, and I'm ok with all of this. It's who I am, it's not something I'm even going to try and change. I'm comfortable in my own skin, being the person I am – faults and all – and maybe my willingness to open myself up & care for someone else is a weakness. Everyone has their own opinion.

But I'm also a storyteller. A writer. I live by the rule – well, the rules – that you should ask yourself two questions in every situation. 1. Are you having fun? If the answer is yes, good on ya. Proceed accordingly. If the answer is no, then continue on to question #2, which is "Is it a good story?" If yes, enjoy. If no, get the hell out. (This theory has worked well in my life, and provided more fodder for my memoirs than you can even imagine. Remind me to tell you about North Korea one day…) Anyway, I view the world, and my life, through this lens, often seeing situations for how they would later play out on paper (or on television, a movie screen, or even your computer.) Which serves me well as a writer, not so well as a somewhat-sensitive girl. 

Because what I realized is that I look at my relationships in a similar way; as the story. Now, I'm not waiting for a white knight to appear or even for a Lloyd Dobler "In Your Eyes" boombox moment, but I do appreciate and value the Bold Move. You know the Bold Move…it's the critical "all or nothing" moment where you (or someone) lays it on the line. No going back. You say your peace, not doing so for any other reason than you need to do it. Need to put it out there. Need to put YOURSELF out there. Do it knowing the risk that's involved, that there's a damned good chance you're not going to get the outcome you'd like. And you do it anyway.

And as a writer, as a storyteller, this is where it gets hard. Because this is MY story, this is OUR story, but I'm not the author. I don't know the outcome. I can move one character – myself – through the plot, but I can't control the others. I can't control what's going to happen when the boombox is out of batteries. Don't know if the Bold Move will send me in the other direction on that invisible line called destiny, don't know how it will end. I just know I'm not ready for it to.

I wish I could cheat, flip to the last page and see how it all turns out, ensure that this, too, will be a mere chapter in what is a longer novel. That these downs are somehow replaced with a lot more ups, and that one day, you can skim the words that encompass when I'm going through during a difficult time.

I'm living my story, but I'm not writing it. And that's scary as hell. I just need to trust the author to write a happy ending, and in the meantime, live my story, for better or worth, taking the risks, doing the Bold Moves, and experiencing all that lies within. The jubilation. The heartbreak. The days when you're out of breath in sheer exhilaration, and the moments that you can't breathe because the pain of hurt is so bad. 

Breathe in, breathe out. And trust that it will all end up ok. Count on it, enter in with blind faith, fingers crossed, believe in the goodness of people and the good in the world and that it will all be ok. It has to.

This one would be high on my list of “Best Breakup Songs”, if I ever were to create that list, that is. (Too depressing, who wants to remember THOSE DAYS?) But if one of you more-morose folks out there do, I highly recommend this tongue-in-cheek song by The Helio Sequence. 

Lately by The Helio Sequence  
Download now or listen on posterous

13 Lately.mp3 (5977 KB)

There's something in the air.

It's the only way I can explain the seemingly incessant amount of my friends going through breakups and divorces in the past few months, and the amount of heartbreak is, well, heartbreaking. I found myself at a recent dinner party and one person after another began sharing what had been going on with them and I sat, taking it all in, commiserating, empathizing. Hurting for them while my own wounds were still so raw, and wondering just what the hell is going on these days. And while we were connecting with each other in person that evening, a common theme surfaced…the transparency of the internet these days is rubbing the proverbial salt in every one of our overly-sensitive wounds. Sure, social media helps us connect with each other, but in so many ways, these 'connections' are mere 1s and 0s that are but cheap facsimiles of real, authentic connection. They leave us faced with information overload, and when you're going through a breakup, it's often information you don't want to hear. Photos you don't want to see. Knowledge that, five years ago you wouldn't have had. For the most part, knowledge that we *shouldn't* have, but do. And it's turning what is at best an awful situation into an unbearable one.

This group of people I was in all had different stories. Infidelity. Different expectations. Bad timing. You name it, we had it. We were hurting, drinking red wine as one story after another was explained, and after many, many bottles were consumed, I believe we walked away from the situation feeling somewhat cathartic, but sad not only for our own situations, but disheartened by the pain and sadness and fear that so many of our dear friends were going through. These are good people, it shouldn't be this way.

And of course we cited the trite consolations, that each day it will get easier. That one day it will all make sense. That we'll find someone better. That one morning we'll wake up and s/he won't be the first thing that we think of. That our beds won't feel so large. So on and so on and every. single. one. is. true. But every single person in this group expressed that they were still numb, still feeling broken from the experience. Another common theme was embarrassment – how could we have been so stupid? These people are phenomenally successful in life, very proud people, and in many cases, the feeling of failure was overwhelming. And we were at various stages of grief…some lingering in the anger, others, the denial. Sadness was prevalent, and though in this description it sounds like the most depressing conversation around, it was actually strengthening as we were in a group of people that could understand. That were going through something similar. Kindred spirits in sadness, perhaps.

"What's next?", we asked. "What now?" Strategies on getting through the days were all over the place…some were jumping head first into ReboundLand, mining through their 'back catalog' of exes – what I irreverently call "Fucking Former Fuckers" – to help stroke their ego and remind themselves that they were still attractive. Taking the Peaches school of thought to "Fuck the Pain Away." Others became veritable hermits, wallowing in their grief by watching bad movies and sleeping a lot. Most everyone found themselves going on a sort of a bender, drinking more than usual, because, well, they could. A few (myself included) jumped headfirst into immersing themselves in their work. Whatever the strategy, though, I reminded them that it was whatever they felt they should do. Felt they COULD do. Long ago I had been given the wise advice that a breakup was like the flu; just treat yourself kindly. Whatever that means to you.

And it does get better…I've witnessed it with my friends, I've witnessed it firsthand with myself. We're mendable creatures. We heal, at whatever pace it takes us. And it's part of life…the heart – like any muscle – must tear to get stronger. We can't be broken if we don't allow ourselves to break.

But yes, there's something in the air. And we can't wait for the winds to change course…because they will. Soon.

Broadripple Is Burning by Margot And The Nuclear So & So’s  
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03 Broadripple Is Burning.mp3 (7878 KB)

I adore this song.

Blood by The Middle East  
Download now or listen on posterous

02 Blood.mp3 (9814 KB)

Oh Sirius-XMU, you never let me down.

Neither do you, Australians, neither do you.

The Middle East – the Ozzies in question – just released their latest EP. Five songs, and of them, this one (Blood) is my favorite. Such a great song…reminds me a bit of The Antlers’ new LP, with a little less of the “I’m contemplating slitting my wrists” morbidity.

Enjoy. I am.