I used to be a food critic.

Yes, back in the day before Yelp came along and made ALL of us reviewers of everything (yay, Yelp, I love ya!), Citysearch used to hire writers like myself to go to restaurants, take their friends (I was able to expense 4 appetizers, 4 dinners and 4 desserts per place!) and then write about it. Sometimes they were crappy places (like Qdoba); other times, I hit the jackpot (yes, that’s actually MY review and I’m beyond annoyed that they removed my byline. GRR.) But what they were actually paying us to do, you realize, was review it in a good light. While I was never specifically told to only write positive things about the places I ate, I never felt like I could go in and say that the tacos tasted like crap and the steaks were fatty. And so I chose to highlight the good things, like the desserts! The wine lists! The hot waiters! (Though the latter was often edited out by my awesome editor & now-friend, John. At least I tried…)

Fast forward five years and Yelp has changed this all. I can call a restaurant an aromatic cocktease if I would like to (and trust me, I will…that review is still pending). I can diss the most popular taco place in the upper-class neighborhood and not receive hate mail (yet). And I can receive accolades. People think I’m FUNNY! And COOL! Hi, flattery, I love you. You can come visit me any day.

I’ve been meaning to spend more time Yelping (as it’s called) but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve started doing so. It’s really cathartic to come home after one of the crappiest meals you’ve ever had and "virtually" rip the place a new one. But, as my Mom always said, she tells people about both the bad AND the good service she receives, so I’m not in the least bit afraid to review my favorite places.

And so I have. And am continuing to. And think you should as well.

In the meantime, trust me – they used to PAY me for this stuff.

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There’s a lot to be said about being organized. Not only is it mentally soothing to us type-a folks, but I truly believe that it sets you up for your future in a way that optimizes all that is good. Chaos-theory be damned, and the state of my desk notwithstanding, I find my life to go much more smoothly, to encounter many less bumps in the road, when I’ve put my life in good standing.

This is a long time coming.

I’ve been living the past 8 months in a constant state of disorder, preferring to ignore all the mess and clutter in most aspects of my life instead of to address them. Citing being overwhelmed in all arenas ("I don’t have time to dust my bedroom, I must go out for the tenth night in a row!" or "I’ve got too much on my mind to address that baggage."), it’s due time (nay, it’s long overdue) that I start facing up to what I’ve got here, what I’m doing here, and how far this state of being has strayed from one that is even remotely acceptable, much less optimal. In a nutshell, it’s time to take responsibility for myself.

I say this not with a heavy heart, but with some expected trepidation. It’s easier to dodge the bullet than it is to stand and take it. I’ve learned to exist with a messy desk, with a convoluted work and life and family life, instead of starting to address it all. While success isn’t guaranteed and taking that first step to DO something (as small as going through my work files and getting rid of everything unnecessary) isn’t fun, I need to remember that I’ve been HAVING my fun, I’ve been having my fun and your fun and your boyfriends’ fun and even his great aunt Martha’s fun and it’s time to stop, take a deep breath, and dig in.

It’s time for some Spring Cleaning.

Goodbye, business cards from people I will never call again. Hello, text messages and phone numbers from new boys who will. Adios, festering former pseudo-relationships. Hola, happy-nervous-tummy-excitement, you are so, so much more welcome in my life. Basically, I’m getting rid of anything that doesn’t help me because all they’re doing are standing in my way for things and people that  will.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get out my rubber gloves and get to scrubbin’. I’ll catch ya on the flip side.

My friend, the notorious, much-adored, often-revered Buster McLeod, wrote a post recently where he addressed his problems as challenges, taking it a step farther and even greeting them as friends. To quote:

"I’m playing this new game in my head.  Everything that seems like a
problem, I greet it like a friend!  It’s fun!  Hi, sprinklers!  So,
you’re here to make me install you in our building even though we don’t
have enough money and have no idea how to do it?  Hi!  I love you,
sprinklers.  It will be fun to see how that unfolds.  Because I have no
idea how it will.  It’s a big unknown how that will happen.  And I like
the unknown.  It’s not a good or a bad thing, it’s just a thing, and if
you act angry at it then it will get angry back at you.  But if you
slap it high five and introduce it to all your friends then maybe it
will act friendly to you.  That’s my current manic thought on the
manner anyway.  I’m so glad I met you, sprinklers!  Hi hi hi hi."

I think this is brilliant, either a) because it is or b) because I’ve finally gotten so close to my breaking point that this is the only glimmer of hope out there that might keep me chuggin’ along. I’ve been having this dream lately that  I’m standing in the middle of a paintball game, unarmed, with a barrage of  adversaries all gunning at me. Shots coming in every direction, I don’t know whether to duck, to run, or to stand still and just take the attack. I wake up with a start, still unsure on how to proceed.

There’s been a ton of talk lately about that book "The Secret". I haven’t read it (yet) but from what I’m hearing, it centers on the concept of active thinking, ensuring that what you are putting out in the universe is what you WANT to put out there. I’ve long been a fan of The Universe (Hi Universe! Thanks for all that stuff you’ve done for me!) and think this book probably follows suit. From the book:

"The law of attraction is a law of nature. It is impersonal and it does
not see good things or bad things. It is receiving your thoughts and
reflecting back to you those thoughts as your life experience. The law
of attraction simply gives you whatever it is you are thinking about."

So what we have here are two amazing concepts; combining both the power of your thoughts plus the embrace of your problems could lead to something phenomenal. Why not give it a try? I’ll start.

Hi, frustration with my job, I think you’re rad!  I know that  you’re making me learn from my boredom and feeling of  complete and total worthlessness, and that in the future I will avoid situations that will make me feel like this. YAY, anxiety, I see you rearing your ugly head and I embrace the challenge of sleeping and eating and breathing – makes me a stronger Aubs! What’s up, boys? I know you like me and really, it’s super flattering but I’m just not feelin’ it and ya know, if you’re not feelin’ it, you’re just not feelin’ it. I KNOW there’s a girl out there who would find your doting, pseudo-creepy stalking attractive, so I’m letting you go forth and conquer while I go forth and do the same! After all, you need to sometimes empty your bucket before you can fill it up again, so bucket, thy are emptied. W00T!

And, to quote Buster,

"Hi plummeting personal doubt and self-hatred, want to go get an ice cream cone?"

With sprinkles, please.

In less than 24 hours I’ll be boarding a plane set to arrive in the hot, fabulous land o’ the geek…at least that’s what we’re calling Austin for the next week or so. The geekyfantastic themselves (plus a sundry amount of filmmakers and indie hipsters) are descending upon this fine city to do what we do best: gallivant, cavort, and generally raise some hell. Aww yeah, hellraisers, I’m right there with ya.

Not sure how much blogging will be going on at this, um, BLOGGING conference but yeah, I’ll try. When I’m not rocking out or laying by the pool or hosting a Wine 2.0 party, that is.

See ya soon, friends, if you don’t see me first.

I’ve been feeling pretty stagnant as of late, clearly evidenced by the dearth of interesting posts on this here site. My job…well, suffice it to say I don’t come home exhausted after a fulfilling day of challenging work. As such, I’ve looked for inspiration elsewhere (i.e., concerts and shows and skihouses, oh my!) and have taken on some free-freelancing work just so I can feel like I’m actually making an impact in SOMETHING in my life other than being an awesome Monday night drinking enabler. (Damn you, Madrone Lounge.)

So when I was chatting with my lovely pal HelenJane about SXSW and how beyond excited we are for it (take note: my SF clan will be meeting up with other amazingly awesome people from around the country who would SO be part of our SF clan if only they lived here…hint hint) and we were joking about throwing a wine event for geeks, I realized we had stumbled upon something.

She works for a winery.
I heart geeks, and the only thing I heart more than geeks is cavorting with said geeks.
GeekyFantasticEventicalAwesomness!

A week later, we’re well underway in the planning process (note that the event is in 10 very short, very soon days) – we have a venue, a theme, and we’re frantically getting the rest of the details all sorted out so that you (yes, YOU) can come and learn about wine and taste wine and DRINK WINE. It’s sponsored by her company, is all official-like with takeaways and real edumacators, and two of the foxiest ladies in the Interweb are planning it. That’s right…us.

So if you find yourself in Austin for SXSW, come join us for Wine 2.0: Taste. Learn. Leave in Good Spirits on Monday, March 12th (3:30-5pm) (more details and the official invite to follow).  So if you want to come hobnob with those smart folks that make the Internets (and us foxy ladies, of course) drop me an email and we’ll put ya on the list. Trust me, you won’t want to miss this. 

THIS is why I should get more sleep than I do.

We’ve had a ton of earthquakes since I’ve lived out here. I’ve either slept through them all or they were too slight to feel.

Until now.

Picture the scene: I’m sitting on my couch, watching the episode of The OC where there is an earthquake. I had just finished discussing that I had never felt one myself and within minutes (ok, I’m exaggerating – it was within an hour for real) the house starts to shake.

"Was that an earthquake?" I ask Daisy.

"You’re OC paranoid," she replies.

And then promptly pings me this.

Twitter is twittering, I am blogging, and the house is shaking. However the pets (who I always THOUGHT would alert me to these things ahead of time so I could seek shelter and all that shit) didn’t do a damn thing. No barks. No whining. Simply lazily sleeping on the couch/puppy bed/chair/bed/bed. I mean what good is a menagerie if they’re not an early disaster warning signal??

Happy First Earthquake Day, Aubrey!

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Last Supper, originally uploaded by Aubs.

I was raised a Methodist. However, somehow I was raised with parents that did a fantastic job of enabling ye olde Catholic guilt, so while most Methodists don’t give up anything for Lent, I normally did. This year, since my life has been full of excesses as of late, is no exception.

Mulling over what I would give up this year, I sought opinions from my friends and coworkers.

One suggested alcohol.

VETO: SXSW (South by Southwest) falls right in the midst of Lent and let’s be honest, I’m helping plan a wine education for Geeks event and it wouldn’t be nearly as authentic if I didn’t taste the wine myself. Duh.

Another suggested sex.

VETO VETO VETO. No need to explain there.

At this point, I decided my friends were morons, and instead looked internally for inspiration. It’s supposed to be a religious thing after all…

So what could I give up…what is an appropriate sacrifice for a Catho-dist (or a Metho-lic as it may be) whose main vices are out of the question? Going through my recent photos provided me with the answer…

What do I love the most? (Besides aforementioned items?)
What is a major part of my life, such that people send me links and jokes and inherently know how most of my nights will end?

Cheese. (Grilled cheese, specifically, but in an effort for it to be a TRUE sacrifice, I had to broaden the scope.)

For Lent this year, I’m giving up cheese.

For some, this might be an easy task. For me, it’s been less than 48 hours and already I have dreamed about it and have no idea what I’m going to eat. I’ve realized that I eat cheese at nearly every meal…I don’t eat breakfast, but for lunch, a cheese plate (thanks, Goog!) is my normal dessert. When they offer something grody (it DOES happen on occasion) I make an avocado chedder panini. Dinner? If I’m at home, Easy-mac and/or Brie/crackers is often le dinner du nuit. Snacks? Oh yeah. You know it. Those pre-sliced monteray jack slices are perfect on triscuits.

Lasagna.
La Taqueria burritos.
Grilled cheese. For God’s sake, GRILLED F-ING CHEESE! It’s my favorite food!

Have you been to a grocery store lately? Do you know how many sections they have devoted to cheese? Three.

The deli.
The brie/fancy cheese section (by the olives).
The refrigerator section.

THREE. SECTIONS. DEVOTED. TO. CHEESE.

Hell. Pure hell.

38 days and counting.

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Justin sports his ‘tux’, originally uploaded by Aubs.

Your Mom won’t stop hounding you about your love life, wondering when you’re finally going to settle down.

All of your friends are getting married, but you’re enjoying the single life.

What to do?

Ladies, I have a solution for you: Get a Justin™! This year’s hottest accessory, The Justin™ is a must-have for all you single ladies on the go.

He cooks.
He cleans.
He vacuums, he loves setting up all of your electronic equipment (or, as he puts it, he has "so much fun with your wires") and he even does amazing things like moving your cable box ABOVE your receiver for easier remote control access.

Who needs a boyfriend when you have someone who is CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ACCESS?

No fights, no awkward morning breath, a Justin™ is the straight-man equivalent to your gay best friend: hot, brilliant, AND handy!

Cancel your Match.com subscription today, stop hitting those nasty singles bars and stop stalking that hunk on MySpace. All you need is a Justin™ and all your problems will vanish!

The Justin™: The Perfect Solution to all your woes. Get one today.

(Only you can’t have this one. He’s mine.)

Life is all about striking a balance. When any one side of the scale is tipped, there’s repercussions. Unhappy in love? I assure you, your work life will suffer. Hate your job? Yep, I bet you’re dating a total winner as well. While not everything needs to be perfect (or hell, not even ONE thing needs to be that fleeting goal since it basically signals imminent disaster), seeking balance, if at all possible, is an admirable goal.

Case in point: there are things right now in my life that totally suck. And the suckiest thing is that I can’t talk about it in a public forum as it’s risky (the Interweb has ears, ya know) so I exist in the land of quasi-abhorrence, as frustrated as I’ve ever been in a certain area in my life (hint: it’s not my love life) and yet I can’t even vent here. As such, my poor, amazing, life-saving friends have to hear me drone on and on and on about Situation:Suck on a daily basis. To confound this, on the surface, Situation: Suck seems enviable. It’s only when you live Situation:Suck for months on end that you realize that Situation:Suck SUCKS. And I am living proof. It’s like comparing Isaac Mizrahi for Target clothing to the Isaac Mizrahi Collection; looks good for a few months but wearing that A-line cinched-with-a-belt dress week after week gets old. The white turns dingy, a few holes appear and the hem starts fraying. Situation:Suck needs one hell of a seamstress, I’ll tell ya that.

And so as not to discuss Situation:Suck here any more than I just did, let’s discuss things that are lovely in my life. They are, as follows:

1. My new Canon PIXMA photo printer that I bought brand spankin’ new off a fellow Googler for $50. The quality! The speed! The fact that I now  have actual tangible photos to display that aren’t either a) Polaroids or b) taken in 2003! My new house is SOOO going to have DebauchAubrey Depicted galore.

2. Lila Belle. She has adjusted SO well to Elvis (my roommate’s darling 5 lb. dog) and watching them chase each other around the coffee table for a half hour still cracks me up. Videos will be posted in the near future.

3. Your patience. I know I haven’t posted as of late (a direct result of Situation:Suck as those found in this situation often also find themselves completely uninspired) but I promise, it’s coming along. Much MUCH more to come…soon. I promise.

4. Fat Tuesday. Somehow this had escaped me, but is an awesome excuse for the number I saw on the scale today. I’m sure it will go back down to normal tomorrow…right?

The End,
Love, Aubrey